This was us
by covered
Summary: It's been 10 years and some change when arguably the love of Alice's life walks into her work's party and back into her life. Confusion of old feelings ensues as her highschool sweetheart threatens to be a permanent fixture in her adult life.
1. Not Nineteen Forever

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie; I'm just tinkering with them a little

**I hope to update every few days, I won't have you waiting more than a week hopefully. Well hope you enjoy it, and please review...feedback always helps**

Chapter 1- Not nineteen forever

One ill-fated decision to go right at the calla lilies had led me here. In retrospect left would have been arguably the lesser of two evils leading me to the buffet table, where the only peril to await me was Veronica Parson's transparent attempts goad me for gossip and some rather bland tomato and basil salad, salad didn't usually propel you into an emotional unravelling after all.

But I haven't turned left I had turned right, and there before me stood the source of the heart palpitations I was now experiencing. I think the hardest part is I went away; put hundreds of miles and ten years between us and it didn't matter. He still stood there before me having grown, having obviously undergone a transition of sorts from teen hood into adulthood and yet, he was unchanged. His beauty pristine and unhampered with; a wonderfully preserved blast from the past that had my very sanity on a knife edge.

We stood for a while and took each other in, postponing the inevitable. He considered me for a while before speaking, I'm glad he had the courage to, all my words seemed to had collected in the bottom of my throat forming a lump.

His eyes stoic. "You haven't changed."

He was right I hadn't, at least not to his eyes; I was still acting like he was the second coming. Realising before I went into a state of complete emotional regression, I should probably resource some of my skills as a supposed capable adult and perhaps hazard an attempt at speech.

"It looks that way to you I'm sure, but deceiving appearances and all that you know? I'm quite different from the girl you used to know."

I managed, a fully formed sentence evidently within my grasp. And then he closed the gap some, leaning in, he placed a hand on my wrist and breathed.

"I hope that's not true" and suddenly the lump was back.

There I was under his full gaze and barely holding all the different pieces of me together that threatened to crumble or combust or be completely obliterated by his sheer presence.

So in a last ditch effort at self preservation I turned to leave. The grip on my wrist tightening some not hostile just firm.

"Are you walking out on me again, you seem to make a habit of that" he vented. It made it easier. At least now I had something to say that would actually make it out my mouth.

"Self involved as you are I suppose you would see it that way, It would have been too much to think time would provide you an opportunity for introspection, that maybe the mistakes weren't _all_ mine, that you might consider looking a little closer to home for the source of my leaving, I guess you haven't changed either" I exclaimed, and I meant it.

I wasn't merely trying to deflect the criticism by blaming him but the fact remains he had a decade to think over everything and he was drawing naive conclusions that revealed no sense of self awareness.

His eyes weren't stoic anymore. So emotive were they in fact that the array of thoughts seemed to be brimming over.

"Then tell me Alice how would you put it? What have you done with this copious amount of time? Reflected and become enlightened, some shrink been telling you 'you need to love yourself' and _inadvertently_ making me the monster have they? The fact is I gave you everything, I gave myself, and you didn't even give me a goodbye. So forgive me if I don't have the same air of objectivity when assessing the past, I guess _I _just gave more of a damn" he spat.

I was silent at that, I had to take it in, could he actually think that I was able to look back on that time with nonchalance, as if my ability to acknowledge my mistakes as well as his own showed me to be less effected by what happened, he deduced that my empathy for him was actually apathy for us.

"I'm stunned but completely not surprised. Why should I assume that you would take my behaviour any other way, yes your right I can be more objective, but not because I don't care! Not because remembering the past and examining my part in it is any less painful for me than it is for you, but because I cared about you enough once that I didn't want to make you into the _monster_, because despite the pain I refused to look at the time spent with you as a mistake, that I would take the pain as penance for being fortunate enough to experience what most people will spent a lifetime searching for, if only briefly. Because I can't hate you just to make it easier, even though you made it tempting. Trust me revealing in your resentment was the cop out and it doesn't make your pain more valid than mine" I fumed, turning again but this time he didn't get in my way.

I reached the door and turned around slightly, denying myself a dramatic exit. In a voice that was smaller, younger, one I hadn't heard in a while I said "And for what it's worth Jasper…I _really_ loved you." And with that I turned and left before I could see his face.

**So thoughts? Hope you liked it, update soon.**


	2. Anything to forgot everything

**Thanks for anyone who reviewed or who set story alerts, here's the second chapter, hopefully you'll like it, and if you do please review**

**The title of this chapter comes from a stroke lyric, thought it was fitting :)**

Chapter 2- Anything to Forget Everything

I could hear myself tapping the pen against the desk furiously but I wasn't all that aware of it. I was busy mentally kicking myself and trying, and failing, not to relive my dreaded meeting with him. The him in question being Jasper Whitlock. So rather than being productive I decided to regress back to my teenage years when it was perfectly acceptable to daydream, and recalled the first day I came out of obscurity and into his consciousness.

And once upon a time, as the cliché goes, I was the awkward and studious Alice Cullen, social retard extraordinaire. As all people learn upon entering high school there is a pecking order of sorts, admittedly I wasn't at the top end but I happily resided in the middle with a small group of friends being completely unremarkable. Content with the status quo, I saw no need to change things. I didn't have a boyfriend, living by the policy of grades before groping. I had convinced myself that my other outlets were more constructive for the time being and that once I left high school I would blossom into a social butterfly. That's not to suggest that I hadn't spent the better part of my adolescence making doe eyes at one Jasper Whitlock.

So there I was enjoying my usual routine of morning small talk with the aforementioned friends when he glided down the hall with his group of socially higher ranking lackeys. Ducking my head back into the conversation I sort to avoid, at all costs, the possibility he might actually see or, heaven forbid, acknowledge me. I likened it to seeing your favourite celebrity. Of course you want to be in close enough proximity to shamelessly stare but talking to them could result in two things. Firstly that you might realise they're not quite what you had hoped and secondly that they found you utterly irrelevant. My fear was the latter; understandably, and so there I was ducking my head and avoiding him. However, today my friend Mike had chosen to congratulate me on my first major article in the local newspaper. I had been working there for a few months so I could put it on my resume like a gold star in the hope it would get me into the college of my choice. The piece had been on teenage drinking and the traps young people fall into because of social pressures to mature to early. Obviously I knew that this didn't exactly do much for my geek chic status but no-one from my school was likely to read an article in the local newspaper, apart from my friends, so I saw no reason to worry. This had been proven wrong when Mike, who apparently knew nothing of volume control, started quoting snippets for the listening pleasure of all with ears in a small radius. Now realistically few turned or gave a damn, so I had probably been a tad dramatic but he had turned, and he had apparently given a damn.

In my attempt to survey the extent of damage, I looked up. He was looking directly at me and to my surprise he didn't feel the need to laugh or to revel in my embarrassment. He just listened. I couldn't hold his gaze so instead I scrambled with Mike to wrestle the paper out of his hands and insisted that the humiliation end. Feeling bad looking at Mike's questioning face; he of course was unaware why I was annoyed so I explained that no writer likes to be confronted with their own work but that I was grateful for the support. Seemingly placated, he and the rest of my friends went along to class. I was busy gathering myself by my locker when a voice cut through the influx of thoughts circulating my head.

"You shouldn't be embarrassed about what you wrote, it was brave, I wish more people had the guts to say what they thought." He stated as if us conversing was a usual Monday morning ritual. Except we weren't conversing, I was staring at him saying nothing. In my urgency to end the silence I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"You read my article?" It was deafening to my ears; the blatant hope and desperation in my voice. He shuffled momentarily, looking for the first time in my memory of him to be less than completely self assured. "Well my dad buys the Sunday paper so..." he mumbled. "Right, yeah of course. Figured a few people might stumble across it when trying to find the real news, with any luck any evidence of it will be gone within a few days unless anyone gets to the collection of cut outs my dad insists on laminating." I was trying to make light of the situation and in the process I was rambling. But he chuckled and smiled, and nodded his head knowingly. "Yeah my mum likes to keep my track trophies in the guest room, think I've managed to convince her that everyone that comes to the door, especially the mailman does not need to see them." And then I chuckled and smiled, admittedly my smile was no doubt dopey and embarrassing but I couldn't have contained it. Wanting to keep the exchange perfect so I could preserve it in my head and revisit it later, I thought it best to leave before I humiliated myself.

"Well I better get going; don't want to be late for the joy that is American history." And I turned on my heal hoping I had handled the delicate situation as best as could be considering I was irrevocably in love with him.

At the time I had never thought to read into his comments. Never thought to question why Jasper, of all people, would think to read an article preaching about underage drinking, an activity I presumed he partook in, by a girl that wasn't even on his radar. Except I had been. Remarkably, unbelievably, defying all logic, I had been very much in his line of vision. A fact that would elude me for some time.

Seeing him, accidental as it was, was a huge mistake. I broke the only rule I had set myself and had abided by for the better part of a decade, I had seen Jasper. A luxury I had forbid myself from so many years before, in an effort to move on, distance myself, because it was healthy, because it was right. A mantra I had chanted to myself every time I felt the pull, when I felt myself drifting back. Jasper was to be avoided where my heart was concerned; my heart which I had found out was so very easily broken or maybe he just knew how to do it.

Seeing him had reminded me it had all been true, that the time spent with him wasn't the product of an over-active imagination. For some time now I had pretended to my easily persuaded mind that he was gone, simply failing to exist, then he had to go show up and flash the harsh reality in my face by means of his wavy hair, and rosey lips and...well his everything. My biggest fear was that now he had so intrusively thrust his way into my consciousness again that he would then persist to barge his way into my life. Unlikely as it was, the prospect of another encounter with him made me feel exhausted, because I feared now more than ever that I didn't have the strength to confront him but more disturbing still was that I knew that I didn't have the strength to walk away. I wanted to see him again.

I needed a cold bucket of water thrown over me. One that reminded me that I had a deadline and that I was a twenty nine year old woman who should be beyond the temptation of daydreaming. That cold bucket of water came in the form of my best friend Rosalie. I waited for her to pick up. "Alice aren't you supposed to be working? I know they're paying you for something" I heard her voice breathe through the receiver. "Stop pretending like you're not glad I called and listen" I should have known ordering her around only delayed matters, Rosalie was inherently bossy, a quality I could usually find charming but not today. "I'm going to let that one slide Alice cause you're obviously pmsing but remember you only get one of those so I'd use at your own discretion! Now tell me why you called?" I took a deep breath "Everything got complicated, I was fine and then everything got complicated and now I'm not." I could practically hear her confusion so I simplified things "I saw him Rosalie, I saw Jasper." I had rendered her speechless, a seemingly impossible task; Rosalie prided herself on bestowing her opinion on you without even the need for you to ask.

"When?" was her reply. Rosalie wasn't one for being monosyllabic either.

"At my work's party Saturday, I have no clue why he was there. We spoke, it was...difficult. It wasn't like one of those 'we loved, we lost, no hard feelings kind of deals' it was more like 'I've been sitting on ten years of resentment and I'm looking for someone to blame' sort of encounters.

"He said...he said he'd given me everything, given himself and that I didn't even spare him a goodbye." I could hear the words resonate through my head, the anger in his voice as he all but spat them from his mouth, as if he'd been saving them just for me.

I'd known it would hurt him. I knew as I packed up my clothes. I knew as I snuck out of our room. I knew when I took the picture of us out of his wallet, pretending I was doing it for him, to help him move on without the memory of me staring him in the face every time he opened it, but mainly it had been for me, so I could remember. Or torture myself, one of the two. I was brought back to some kind of reality by the sound of Rosalie's voice.

"Are you still breathing?" it was a loaded question.

"I think so, mostly." She sighed

"Well then that's more than we expected right? You survived, I'm proud of you, I couldn't imagine..." but she didn't finish. "Next time you have to go play nice with your colleagues I'm coming, we'll make an appearance and then ditch them to go hang out with interesting people" I had to laugh, I knew what this meant, she was going to babysit me for a while and not just at work parties.

Right on cue. "I'll be at your door at 7pm with wine and the customary shoulder to cry on, metaphorically of course, there will be no crying. Don't cook we'll order in, give your kitchen a rest for the night, I have to go now Alice but remember your not 19 anymore and you're stronger than you know so don't sit there and curse yourself for thinking about him because.... for what its worth you did good."

Then there was the dial tone and I was all alone again. I decided to focus, or try to the best of my ability to achieve some level of concentration on the task at hand, which was my column.

It needed to be in by 2pm and I needed to get a grip so I went on about my day not quite managing to push thoughts of Jasper out of my mind.


	3. Back Down the Rabit Hole

**The idea for the chapter popped in to my head and I figured why wait so here's the next chapter a little sooner than planned.**

**Also I'm thinking of making the chapter longer so for those of you that are reading bare with me.**

Chapter 3 - Back down the rabbit hole

I walked in to work, fresh from my pep talk with Rosalie the night before, and feeling more confident in my ability to keep my shit together. I'd talked her through the 'incident', as it shall be known, in excruciating detail. It helped to talk to someone objective; although being my best friend there was admittedly a degree of bias but she was still more clear headed than I was with anything that concerned Jasper. Now although we'd agreed, and by that I mean to say Rosalie agreed on my behalf, that putting all thoughts of him out of my mind was the sane course of action we had also discussed that we needed to get to the bottom of his mysterious impromptu appearance at the party.

I strolled to my perfectly ordered desk and decided to take a detour to Bella's cubicle. Bella and I had started working at the magazine around the same time and we pretty much hit it off, not long after, me, her, Rosalie and Kate had formed an oestrogen filled clan.

Kate was one of the first people I met when I came to the city, after Rose of course. Despite this closeness Kate and Bella had never been given the memo on Jasper, not in detail anyway. They knew I had been in a relationship with a high school sweetheart of sorts and that it ended badly but that was it. I hadn't given them a name, they knew I didn't much want to revel in it and they didn't push it. Rosalie had been a little different, special I guess, I'd talked to her about him, I'd talked about why I left, I talked to her about how very broken I was under the smiles and brave faces. It was a relief to confide in someone, but some_one_ was all I needed or permitted myself, one was the operative word.

She looked up and smiled "So I heard you and Rose had a slumber party last night, I swear when are you going to make an honest woman of that girl and marry her...you two are beyond perfect for each other...apart from the whole not being attracted to each other thing but really how much does that matter?" I loved Bella sometimes. "Any day now, we're thinking of making it a June wedding, how does the 13th sound? You free?" she laughed and leaned back in her chair. "For you guys? Always. So what brings you to my desk on a fine morning such as this? And don't pretend you didn't come wanting something you have that look...the investigative reporter digging for goods one, I can see through it." I figured I couldn't get much past her so I just told her a half truth instead.

"Well when I was at the party on Saturday, which by the way was a rave and you totally missed out on, I saw this guy....tall, wavy hair, green eyes and surprisingly good looking considering the calibre of gentleman folk around here. I was wondering if you'd heard anything about him?" I finished and impatiently waited for the reply, luckily a knowing smile spread across her face and so I knew I wouldn't be in the dark for long.

"Oh I think I know who you mean; I heard that Aro's hiring a new photographer to do some of the more editorial shoots as part of freshening up the magazine. I think his names Jasper Whitlock or something and word has it that he's really good, a little globe trotter, worked in Thailand, England and France....pretty much everywhere." I stopped listening at that point; I was busy being hit by my very own tonne of bricks. He wasn't just here in New York permanently or at least for the foreseeable future he was, worst still, here here, at my magazine here, on my doorstep.

I mustered a lame "Oh great at least there's no one gunning for our jobs huh? I should probably get back to work or Aro will be hiring a new columnist in a bid to freshen things up further." I walked to my desk and sat still, I needed to remain calm and look at the facts, yes Jasper was working here but his position meant he wouldn't be in the office apart from to drop off his prints maybe and in those instances I would just have to make myself scarce. I had a plan....avoid like the plague. A perfectly rational plan for a woman in her late twenties, hide. Although given the last meeting I didn't bet on any of our exchanges being remotely pleasant so I felt some justification in my childish behaviour.

Once my heart rate slowed down some I thought about what Bella had said, he was a photographer, and a good one, he'd done it. I'd known he had the talent but I'd always questioned whether he'd be brave enough to deny his father's wishes of becoming a doctor. And just like that my thoughts once again wandered to Jasper.

It had been a couple of weeks after that first conversation with him. After that we'd exchanged smiles and glances, a sort of acknowledgement of one another but nothing more than fleeting looks. I'd been walking through the park, escaping from my dad for a while, and enjoying the breeze that October had brought with it. I'd lost track of how long I'd been wandering when I saw him.

He was stood with his back to me, holding a camera, and aiming it deliberately at something. I assessed that I had two choices, one involved turning around and not alerting him to my presence while maybe stealing a few glances at him from afar before going home. Choice number two involved me staying and essentially growing a pair by engaging him in conversation. As tempting as it was to run very much like the wind I told myself this would be a good thing, that conversation was normal and social and completely within my capability. So I walked over to him.

"You're getting very trigger happy with your camera there, what's your muse pray tell?" I was going for witty but the look on his face as he turned around showed that I may have startled him. Once he gathered himself a little he said with a smile.

"Trees and grass mostly, the parks pretty but the selection's kinda limited you know so despite my best efforts and many candids all I have is a few dozen identical pictures of vegetation." I chuckled, he seemed sheepish, a quality I decided I very much liked on him.

"Yeah I see what you mean, so do you come her often....to take pictures I mean?" I stumble through the last bit noticing I came very close to using the cheesiest come on ever, created for smoke filled bars and to be used only by those that are intoxicated and don't know any better. Sadly he hadn't missed this.

"Why Miss Brandon did you just ask me if I come here often? Didn't think that was your style." He laughed, I blushed and then I wanted a black hole to swallow me.

"Don't be embarrassed, you just caught me being a weird snap happy naturist, I figure at this point we're evens." And I realised he'd said my name, I hadn't noticed it amidst the embarrassment but he had said it, he actually knew my name. Then before I melted from the knowledge I reminded myself I was in fact having a conversation. "So anyways I didn't have you pegged as a photographer, I thought jocks just worked on their guns on weekends." Luckily he laughed and wasn't offended.

"Well there's that, and then maybe some flexing and then if there's time some of us engage in less stereotypical activities." His smile was brilliant; it spread from one side of his face to the other. And so while he dazzled me we started to stroll together through the park, chatting and kicking leaves. Eventually we found ourselves on a bench. A flash went off in my face and I realised he was photographing me of all things.

"I think I'm bored of capturing nature, you're more interesting." Again with the brilliant smile. It dazzled me again and I almost forgot to stop him from photographing in the harsh lighting, with the lack of make-up and the close proximity. Not that I was vain but I figured they would be disgusting photos and I didn't want him flicking through them later and realising this little fact.

"I'm not one for having my picture taken, on account of not being photogenic and the fact that my cheeks have probably gone all pink in the cold." He kept snapping. "You may not like having your picture taken but I have to disagree on the you not being photogenic thing, and stop turning your head, you're my new muse deal with it."

My heart fluttered in a terribly clichéd fashion, he thought I was photogenic. He stopped for a second and looked at the screen on his camera and showed it to me.

"Now how can you say that the girl in that picture isn't photogenic?" I looked at the picture, he wasn't completely off base, it wasn't horrific but I still wasn't as enamoured with it as he seemed to be.

"Maybe you're just a dab hand with a camera, and if I'm your muse am I getting paid for this or am I doing this out of the goodness of my heart?" he chuckled and leaned in to me, a little too close for me to retain my composure.

"Well I'm all out of money I'm afraid so how would you like me to repay you Miss Brandon?" It is very likely that at that moment I visibly drooled. He smelled like peppermint and peaches. I had to put some space between us before I either crawled into his lap or let my inner retard surface.

"Well we can call it a freebie just this once but next time Jasper you're going to have to stump up the cash." He looked a little dismayed, he couldn't possibly have been flirting with me, he was obviously joking. After all guys like him do not waste their time hitting on girls like me. He brushed off whatever he'd been feeling and suggested we both get home on account of it getting dark, he offered to walk me but I needed the walk home to gain back my self-possession. I remember thinking on the way that maybe we were sort of friends and feeling tingly about it. He had that effect. Except now I wasn't feeling so tingly, now I felt the need to vomit was far more present.

Jasper was back, free to bump into in a park again or in the street or at work. And yet despite the dread and the resounding feeling that things were about to get beyond complicated I found myself anticipating the moment that he would walk in and bring everything crashing down.

**Hope you liked it, and that you keep with the story.**

**I'd love to hear any thoughts you have.**

**Update soon, R&R**

**xxx**


	4. These Keepsakes

**Ok so here's the next instalment, the reviews that I got were great but hopefully I could get some more feedback, I'd really like to know what you thought of the characters so please give any thoughts you have. This chapter explains a lot more and things are hopefully going to get progressing a little more from here on out i.e. they'll be lemons ahead :) **

Chapter 4- These keepsakes

So here I was lying on my living room floor little a crumpled rag doll, hand on forehead, eyes trained on the ceiling, replaying the moment in my mind continuously while trying to resolve the feelings surging through my head which were presently in a state of severe disarray. As I tried to separate the individual feelings, like untangling knotted threads, I was vaguely aware of Rose, Bella and Kate hovering above me reviewing my emotional unravelling with a certain degree of concern.

"Well why didn't you tell us sooner that he was the elusive mystery man that we're never supposed to talk about? We could have done some damage control!" Bella flustered. Rose rolled her eyes obviously donating that the answer was blatant, at least to her.

"Because as you mentioned we're not supposed to talk about him, she didn't want to and I'm not going to push her. No good would have come from being one of those overly verbal woman who bestows there emotional traumas on everyone else, she just wanted to move on and handle it herself." As I tuned in to their conversation I became increasingly irritated. I had to say something before this turned into one of those domestic disputes akin to watching your parents discuss you while you were both in the room and able to speak perfectly adequately on your own behalf.

"Look will you two calm down and focus, I didn't dredge up the details because it was painful and because part of moving on involves not spending all your time reminiscing about the aforementioned mystery man. Now look I'm sorry I didn't clue you in earlier I just wanted to get my head straight first but now that that plans shot to shit I need you guys to unscramble me cause my heads all fuzzy."

Slowly they all lowered themselves to sit on the carpet surrounding me like a human crop circle. Kate was the first to speak "Right well for the unscrambling ceremony to commence we're going to need you to enlighten us with the back story, and not the hazy version you gave us last time we need all the gore, or at least a little." I sighed she was right, it wasn't like it was some ugly secret that needed a big reveal it was just a past I had tried to distance myself from like most did from their unfortunate teenage years. So I started divulging.

"Well as you now know he's Jasper Whitlock, former highschool sweetheart and current employee of FLAW magazine. He was this popular, annoyingly cool yet nice guy in highschool...everybody liked him and we sort of became friends. We used to meet up accidently at first and then kinda on purpose, they weren't dates nothing ever happened we'd just hang out. He'd show me his latest photos and I'd reluctantly let him read my rough drafted articles. No one at school was that aware of the friendship, we enjoyed each other's company too much to bother involving others, or so I thought. So if we hung out at school it was in the darkroom, me watching him develop his newest candid's or he'd sit with me as I put together my latest piece for the school newspaper. He made me feel normal." I paused to gage their reactions but they motioned for me to continue.

"We started to hang out more, this time at his house, because his parents were either out or too busy ignoring each other to be concerned about Jackson and the midget he appeared to be harbouring in his room. But eventually he pushed for us to spent time at my house...which was not preferable. By this point the guy who I had lusted after from afar had now become a very real entity in my life that I had a very real crush on, but we were friends so I didn't push it. However despite how close we'd become I didn't feel introducing him to my father and his by this time prolific drinking problem was a good idea. I figured he'd run screaming from the house deeming me white trash and refuse to associate with me anymore. So I kept making excuses as to why we should just keep our get-togethers confined to his little slice of suburban perfection. But as they say the truth will out."

11 years earlier...

Me and Jasper had arranged plans to go watch some old movie at this little art cinema across town, that was until my dad arrived home reeking of booze and stumbling around. I hadn't known that he had stayed out all night until I saw that his bed was empty and Charlie wasn't an early riser so I connected the dots. I made some calls to his friends trying not to let on that I was too worried. He didn't stay out all night, despite his wavering morals he had never crossed this line before, leaving the house in the middle of the night with no note to explain where he was or why he left to begin with. Just when I was ready to ring round the hospitals he all but fell in the front door, he had a recent cut on his forehead and his knuckles were scrapped up. He was still heavily drunk so I figured rather than let him continue his quest to drink every drop of alcohol in sight I thought I'd have to stay and play chaperone and call Jasper to rearrange.

I helped dad to the couch and went to the kitchen to get some painkillers for the headache that would ultimately hit him later. Grabbing the phone I tried to think of a reasonable excuse to bail on mine and Jaspers play date. I started dialling, after the second ring there was his voice on the other end all expectant and problem free.

"Hey Jasper please don't hate me but the paper rang and they've moved up my deadline for that piece on teenage pregnancy so I'm kinda housebound until I get it done. I'm sorry its last minute but I just didn't want you to drive all the way over only for me to flake on you. Can we rearrange?"

Of course Jasper was understanding, another one of his wonderful qualities that made me fall even harder for him. I walked back into the living room to find my dad had fallen off the couch and was now struggling to compose himself enough to get his legs to co-operate. I thought about leaving him there and just thinking fuck it but then I saw that pleading look on his face that said take care of me, so I did.

He wasn't always like this. Once upon a time, before my mom passed, he was a functioning adult. He'd been kind of wonderful actually. Back when every poem I wrote, every A graded assignment, every piece I'd done was tacked by him on the message board like a mural in testament to his aspirational daughter. After that, after her, he became something else entirely. He'd drink and cry, and drink some more and then he'd shout and I'd take it.

First he just started drinking in the privacy of our home but he ventured further afield after a while seeking solace in the company of other in denial alcoholics he'd find at bars. They didn't make him feel so guilty, they made his behaviour seem normal and justified, while I was the pint sized reminder who had my mother's eyes that he looked into and was confronted with his fall from grace. His behaviour around me oscillated between extreme emotion and grief, and volatile outbursts that he would apologise profusely for when sober, if he recalled them.

Today my dad was being particularly uncooperative "Stop fussing over me Alice I'm a grown man for god's sake, I feel fine, now give me that damn bottle. I can decide for myself when I've had enough and I'm not done yet so hand it over. Alice I'm having it one way or another." He slurred at me. I'd learnt to cope with his threats, although that wasn't to say that his tone didn't frighten me a little. Before I could tell him 'no' the doorbell rang.

I approached the door. On the other side stood Jasper, he was all smiles and fresh air. I was shocked to see him stood on my doorstep, his instructions had always been to stay in the car and I'd meet him outside when we arranged things. I realise I must have been stood mute when he broke the silence.

"Well I figured if you were going to be doing an all day cram session I should come round to provide light relief and idle chit chat like the good friend that I am." He beamed at me, the smile I loved was spread across his face from ear to ear.

All I managed to say was. "You can't be here!" and right on cue I heard my father's drunken ramblings bursting the bubble I'd tried so carefully to preserve. "Ali who the hell's at my door? Get rid of them" and that's when I heard him approach and I could feel the tears prick my eyes. I couldn't look at Jasper, I just stood frozen in the doorway.

"Who the hell are you? What is this _boy_ stood at my door for Ali and make the answer good!" before I could make my weak attempt to rectify this nightmare Jasper interjected.

"Hi Sir I'm Jasper, I'm a friend of Alice's from school I was coming over to help her with her article, it's nice to meet you Mr Brandon." If Jasper smelt the beer on my father's breathe he certainly didn't show it. He held his hand out but my father simply looked at it. "I don't shake hands with boys who are trying to get at my daughter _son _so you'd do well to put your down before I do it for you." My breath hitched, I tried to push my dad inside.

"Dad just go on inside ok? Jasper's just a friend who's helping me out there's nothing to worry about." I tried to pacify him but he kept tried to push past me.

"If you like this boy so damn match Ali go ahead and run along with him, go on get out, it's not as if you want to stay here with me anyways, think I don't see you looking at the door all the time well you can walk right through it and stay on the other side for all I care." I stumbled backwards out the house remembering to grab my bag on the way out. I hobbled up the path only partially aware that Jasper was following me.

I couldn't turn around and look at him; I couldn't stand to see the look of disgust on his face, or worse, the pity. "Alice, Alice please slow down, I just want to talk to you." I stopped but still didn't face him, so he took it upon himself to stand in front of me.

"I understand if you don't want to hang out anymore but could you just not tell everyone that he's....I just could do without everyone knowing." He lifted my face and rather than the revulsion I assumed would be written all over his features he seemed utterly bemused.

"I have no intention of ditching you Alice. What happened back there wasn't pretty but it also wasn't your fault. He has a problem that he needs help with but it isn't the job of an 18 year old girl to play the grown up and fix it. And I wasn't going to say a word to anyone so put the thought out of your head. I'm guessing the story you fed me was a lie so that you could stay home and parent your dad, so you have no commitments newspaper related or otherwise that interfere with you coming to my house and having a slumber party."

He was being so nice, not that I thought him incapable of that but it certainly was shock after the verbal lashing my dad had just threw at him. "You don't have to you know, I'll just walk around and let him cool off, in a few hours he'll be fine and..."

He cut me off "You are NOT going back to that house Alice."

I flinched a little at his tone and he immediately softened "Look Al you know my parents are in constant competition for the asshole of the year award and today both of them raised their game so how's about you come over and save me from them? Come on I'll even let you braid my hair."

He smiled and I couldn't help but laugh. He slung an arm over my shoulders as we walked the distance back to his car. "Ok but I'm painting your toes as well, got to have them all purrty for when the nice weather comes and you whip out your strappy sandals."

He chuckled and nodded in the affirmative. Then he leaned down and whispered into my hair. "If anything like that happens again I need you to call me ok? I need you to promise me Ali."

I nodded my head a little, enough for him to understand, I didn't bother lying that it was a one off or that there wouldn't be a repeat performance because we both knew it was a lie. It would happen again and when it did Jasper would be right on the other end of the phone.

Present....

"So three months after that, things had gotten worse and Jasper took me in. I didn't go back to my dad's that time. By then Jasper was living on his own in an apartment across the other side of time. Turns out his mother had been having an affair and come clean to his dad who thought that the only way to salvage things was a fresh start. Jasper refused to move with them saying it was disruptive in his senior year of school, so they set him up in the apartment. We lived together there for the remainder of highschool and the better part of freshman year at college."

Kate broke the tension. "But why...leave I mean? He sounded so..." I shook my head. "Things got complicated and I realised I was compromising things all over again like I'd done with my dad. The night I left my dad's house he'd put this note for me on the kitchen table, he said he couldn't watch as I left." I reached in the small box I'd taken out earlier and passed Bella a piece of well preserved paper and she started to read it out loud.

"...I understand why you have to go, and I hope that you'll be happier with him. Please don't ever settle for the shit I've put you through again, please know your worth, you deserve better than me and one day I want to be a father to you but in the meantime surround yourself with people who realise how wonderful you are, let them keep you safe until I can come back to you."

They all stared at me waiting for more. "As you may have guessed during the time I was living with Jasper we got together. And things were serenely perfect for a while but I started to feel unappreciated, like I was the dirty little secret hid away in the safety of the apartment. I couldn't do that again; have another man in my life whom I loved treat me like that." I dropped their gaze for the last detail, still feeling ashamed of myself for my actions.

"The night I left I grabbed a bag I'd pre-packed and stashed in the cupboard, I hovered for a while, sitting at the kitchen table staring at the letter I'd written him saying I was sorry and..." I didn't finish, something's we best kept private.

Looking down at my finger tips. "He was sleeping when I left, he didn't even stir." That part I was guilty for, the part where I was a coward, the rest I stood by, I had needed to leave but I admit that even till this day I wish I had been strong enough to do it differently.

Bella took the liberty of taking the floor, all the emotional upheaval had me worn out. "And today when he made an appearance in our office, making it abundantly clear he was sticking like glue obviously didn't help matters, to put it mildly, I'm guessing? Come to think of it the way he looked at you when he saw you said it all, it was like from the moment he walked in his gaze was searching you out. So that's why you made a break for it huh? I think we may have to develop a different strategy than fleeing to the photocopying room every time he delights us with his presence, although you deserve points for initiative, the plan for next time should involve a more graceful exit." I sighed.

"God was I that bad?" Bella giggled "Well yeah, you blurted out something about needing to photocopy some shit then you full on ran, you practically left skid marks from your louboutins." We all laughed, finally, I needed to; tonight had felt so heavy.

Rose smiled at me and said "Ok well in advance of your next encounter with the lusciousness that is Jasper Whitlock we'll come up with a plan that doesn't involve you bolting like the bionic woman. But tonight we drink, and be merry, Alice maybe you should put that in the other room, no more reminders for tonight." She put her hand on mine while indicating to the box currently sat on the couch; I nodded and made my way with it to the bedroom.

In spite of my better judgement I opened it as I sat on the bed, I figured I was allowed, I never got it out anymore not like I did when I came here, I'd allow myself the indulgence. As I rummaged through the remnants of my life in Washington I felt the bed dip beside me.

"I figured I'd find you reminiscing." I looked up. "No I was just putting it away, I wasn't..." And she cut me off. "Yeah you were, and it's ok." I nodded, I didn't have to explain to Rosalie, she knew. "What's that you got there?" she whispered leaning in and nodding at the photo I held in my hand. "It was us...when we were happy."

And with that I put it all back in the box and leaned on Rose's shoulder as she wrapped an arm around me. "Fret not little one Kate's working on some kick ass sangria in the kitchen that'll make you forget your own name. Bella's helping her so some things may be broken when you go in....shit happens. Would I be able to stop here tonight? I drove here and as I plan on being fairly on my way to drunk within the hour I think operating heavy machinery is out of the question."

I nodded, I knew she was doing it for me, keeping me company but I couldn't be bothered putting a brave face on it. Tonight I would just be Alice, silly sentimental Alice who flees from old boyfriends and treasures old keepsakes and my friends wouldn't mind one bit.

**So loved it? Hated it? Let me know xxx**


	5. The Other Arm

**Thanks for the reviews I got, it's great to know those of you that are reading are happy with the way it's headed, remember to read and review x**

Chapter 5- The Other Arm

It had been a couple of weeks since I'd seen Jasper and pulled my disappearance act. I had made the decision to attempt to appear sane in his presence from now on so that meant no more running. I had managed to subtly determine from Aro that Jasper would be making an appearance today to drop of some prints and look over them with some of the team. I figured if I saw him I'd go for polite but brief conversation then make an exit at a rational speed. I hadn't quite figured out why the prospect of seeing him was difficult, it'd been 10 years after all, these weren't fresh wounds so in theory I should be able to deal with it. But then I thought about him, about how I was with him, about his ability to talk me round. I suppose I feared the hold he had on me, the hold that still seemed to tug at me after so long.

I sat at my desk reviewing an article a new intern had written, his name was Jacob, he showed so much promise but he lacked conviction so he always had me go through his work and red pen it before he gave it to Aro. Jacob was rubbing his hands through his hair nervously.

"So how much does it suck? Should I be worried?"

He looked at me expectantly and I couldn't help but giggle, he was so nervous and so very much like I had been when I started. I couldn't keep him in suspense for fear he'd combust.

"It's great Jake, it's really fluent and cohesive. You've supported your claims and it's well researched. It's provocative and I kinda love it."

I finished with a smile; it'd been his first piece flying solo that would be published so it was in essence a sink or swim situation. His face lit up and he hugged me.

"Thank you Alice, I was so nervous, thanks so much for all the guidance and stuff I know you're really busy with your column so I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me."

As I pulled back from the giddy embrace my eyes happened upon Jasper, he was watching us with a degree of scrutiny that made me feel I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. As Jacob all but skipped off I heard Aro's voice directed at me.

"Alice, there's someone I'd like you to meet, I don't believe I got a chance to introduce you before but this is our new photographer Jasper Whitlock."

This was my own sink or swim situation, finally prove I was a sane adult that could conduct them self properly or forever be deemed socially retard by everyone in the office, including Jasper.

I strolled over.

"Well I've already had the pleasure Aro, you see Jasper and I are old friends, we went to school together."

Then I lifted my gaze to Jasper. "It's good to see you."

His mouth lifting into a crooked smile, he regarded me for a second.

"It really is Alice; Aro has some very nice things to say about you."

My eyes wandered to Aro who was beaming at me before he clapped Jasper on the back.

"Well unfortunately Jasper has some business to attend to with the editors, they're based on the ground floor temporarily while the office is being remodelled. Alice would you mind showing him?"

Rather than let the panic set in that this would be the first time we would been alone or even really spoke since the less than pleasant exchange at the party, I simply nodded. "Of course I'm just finishing up here for the day anyways, just let me grab my things."

Going over to my desk I lingered a little too long collecting my belongings, not to mention my thoughts, and I felt someone approach me. "Ready to go Alice?" I tried I honestly did. I tried to not flutter my eyes closed at his minty breath on my neck. I tried not to unconsciously lean my body closer to him. I tried not to have a nostalgic moment, tried and failed. Get back on the wagon Alice. I shook myself of the trance and turned around to smile at him.

"Yeah, it's this way." He followed behind me and we entered the lift. He looked over at me again with that crooked smile and I berated the shallow ogling side of me that was picturing him without his shirt...and maybe his pants.

"I like your hair long, you look good Ali." Cue the butterflies and then the subsequent self loathing at my complete inability to act my age. Rather than act like I cared I gave a nonchalant "Thanks, I like it. You look good too. The office is on the right as you come out of the lift just go through and tell them who you're here to see and they'll direct you from there."

I offered a smile to seem polite and looked at basically anything but him. He broke the silence. "Have dinner with me later." I wasn't sure what I was more surprised at, the request itself or the fact that it wasn't a request so much as a demand. Without looking at him I replied "I'm not having dinner with you Jasper."

His confidence undiminished he continued. "A drink then? I'm new to the city and I could use someone with experience as my personal tour guide, it's one drink and I promise to keep my hands in safe zones at all times." He smiled and held his hands up to illustrate his point; in spite of myself I laughed.

"Ok, one drink. I'll meet you at Kro bar at 8pm; it's a couple of blocks down from here so you should find it ok. Enjoy your meeting." And with that I strolled out of the lift.

---∞---

I made my way across town. I had late lunch date of sorts with none other than my father. About 8 months ago I got a call from him; admittedly I was taken aback since we hadn't spoken since the day I left. He explained how he had been clean for 2 and half years and that he wanted to see me if I was willing. He'd offered for his sponsor to come with and act as chaperone and vouch for his sobriety but I said it wasn't necessary. It had been surreal the first time I'd seen him, he'd looked so much younger despite the time that had passed. The bruise like circles under his eyes were gone, his face had filled out and he had on a suit.

We sat for a while discussing what we'd both done with the last decade, him revealing that he'd tried a number of times to seek help each time reverting back to old habits but that when he'd found this support group it had stuck. Apparently his sponsor had advised against seeing me sooner, mainly for my sake, feeling that with a solid couple of years behind him of alcohol free living I would be far more likely to accept his invitation to meet. He always drove to up to see me; that was one of the ground rules. Another was that we would always meet in neutral places, never my apartment. It had only been 8 months and realistically we'd seen each other a handful of times, so in an act of self preservation I made no immediate plans to welcome him into my home. He was in my life, and I was working on trusting him again but I needed to do it at a comfortable distance and something about him being that close didn't feel appropriate just yet. So he respected the boundaries and upheld the rules; and I in turn let him in, albeit slowly.

He was sat at the table waiting for me in the riverside cafe that we'd met at once before. I approached him slowly; as he became aware of my arrival he fumbled to stand up.

"Hi Ali, thought you weren't coming for a while there, I ordered you a drink, hope you don't mind." I gave him a one armed hug to put him at ease, one arm was all he'd get, the other arm was reserved for those I knew I could trust.

Part of me knew that he had to earn his way back into my life but the other part of me knew that he was trying and little gestures seemed to let him know, however subtly, that I was trying to, trying to forgive him.

I sat down, and we got settled into our routine of filling each other in on recent events and non-events, my eyes scanning the water he sipped at and revering it, or him, it gave me confidence in his progress, reminding myself that he drank because he was thirsty now. Drinking had a whole different meaning back when I was a teenager, it meant the day had gone badly for him and was, as a result of the whiskey, going to end even worse.

Then he looked at me with an encouraging smile and asked. "So anything new lately?" I considered brushing off the question but I decided the purpose of this exercise was to re-educate one another about ourselves and figured I'd divulge more than usual. "Well funny you should ask but I bumped into Jasper a little while ago, turns out he's here because my magazine hired him, he's a photographer professionally I mean, so yeah..." I waited to gage his reaction.

He'd asked about Jasper in our first meeting and I'd explained that things had progressed when we lived together but eventually ended. He gathered it had been painful and knew it wasn't up for discussion. He seemed surprised, perhaps by the revelation or maybe at how forthcoming I'd chosen to be. He was aware I kept many things private.

"And how do you feel about that? I gather you weren't aware he would be working with you?"

I sighed, and took it upon myself to straighten out the cutlery "I feel...odd, weary I guess, it's been a long time. At least when you came back into my life it was gradual and up for negotiation, he's just here. And no I didn't know."

My dad nodded as if he understood. "Can I ask did he hurt you, I mean cheat on you or break your heart, you don't have to tell me the details but a nugget maybe?" since we were secret swapping I might as well be honest. "No, no cheating or anything like that, but even if you never mean to hurt someone you can still break their heart."

Looking up at him I had the sense there was something on the tip of his tongue. "Ok stop me at any point here because I realise I am not entitled to comment on your life, but from my perspective he always seemed like a good guy, I never told you this but after you left I kinda followed you every so often, just to put my mind at ease that you were happy, that you were safe and I would see you two together. The way he looked at you, he was so attentive and enamoured with you, it was enough for me to believe that you were in the best hands possible. And I don't know everything that happened but all I know is I didn't deserve a second chance and you were gracious enough to let me earn my daughter back, so maybe you should be open to letting him in as well, 10 years is a long time Ali, I'm not saying get back together but remember from what you've told me you were friends first and foremost, maybe you could be again."

I was taken aback by his confession; but part of me was reassured by the fact that I had been still present enough in his thoughts that he had resorted to some mild stalking.

I tried to take in what he was saying; the alternative that I never dare consider seemed to make sense when he put it in context. I suppose it wouldn't kill me to be open to the idea, Jasper had always been a good person, down to the bone, and there was a time when having his friendship meant the world to me. It seemed fair. As long as I was careful and not too reckless I could come out unscathed, possibly even better off.

My father and I finished our meal and said our goodbyes. I thanked him on his insight into the Jaspergate scandal and said I'd think about what he'd said.

---∞---

When I got home I called Rosalie.

"Wait so your dad actually gave you relationship advice...oh god love him Alice that's kinda sweet" I chuckled.

"Yeah I know, I think he had a point though, I mean I'm going to be working with him, in some capacity anyway so civility is required; so maybe in time I could be his friend...maybe...I don't know."

Rose paused for a second before replying. "Yeah I mean look no one's saying you have to jump back into bed with him, despite the urge, but friendship might be healthy for you both, get some closure, help you move on. The more you build him up as this elusive, taboo creature the more likely you are to still revere him and hold him up as your own personal brand of forbidden fruit."

I nodded my head before realising she couldn't see me. "Well no promises but yeah I think I'll give it a shot, I'm all worked up about tonight now, damn you Rose I had planned to be all bitchy and dismissive, now I have to be nice?" She cackled into the phone.

"Ali sweetie leave bitchy to me you're better at witty and chirper, plus I figure you should cut him some slack god knows he must be twice as nervous as you, after all he's the one that put himself out there." I agreed before moving off the topic, I didn't want to get too worked up.

"So Rosalie my darling I understand you fornicated with Emmet you dirty bitch, now tell was it good, bad or ugly?" as she pretended to consider the question seriously she giggled.

"Good, kinda better than good actually, and we're going on another date on Friday after which I plan on doing it again...and maybe a few more times after that. How's celibacy treating you?" Damn her and her tangible romantic life, mine for the moment existed solely within my head and involved Robert Pattinson whisking me off my feet.

"Well frankly it sucks, I'm thinking of employing a personal sex slave you know like a butler only with sexual gratification. And stop mocking at my lack of a love life" she refrained from laughing at me momentarily.

"Well how's Jasper between the sheets? Maybe he could give you a good once over for old time's sack." Getting lost in a little flashback I answered.

"Nah reckon that would hinder the whole moving on plan, and in answer to your question he was probably the best sex of my life, which kinda sucks cause in my stagnant sexual state I want to rip his clothes off when he enters a room, and I'm pretty sure that's against company policy."

Me and Rose laughed some more and she filled me in on her plans with Emmett, then I had to go get ready. After many outfit changes I had decided on an old faithful, a black dress that I'd had for ages but never failed to do the trick, I dragged on some studded ankle boots and a little jacket as I was heading out the door and hoped I didn't look like crap, fingers crossed.

When I arrived I scanned the room until I saw him posted by the bar looking directly at me. He held his arms out to hug me, so I did.

"I'm so glad you came Ali" and before I could remind myself of what justified as platonic I breathed in his scent...peppermint and peaches. Revealing in the familiar smell, I thought something's never change and I couldn't help but be very pleased that they hadn't.

That's when I realised we were engaged in a hug, a proper hug with both arms thoroughly operational and involved, unlike the one armed offering I provided to my father earlier. I'd given him the other arm. I didn't even want to think about what that meant.

**Thoughts please......reviews are very welcome. Hope you liked it, I'll be updating soon with any luck **


	6. Pink Elephants

**Been a bit busy lately but hopefully from now on the updates will be more regular, I was thinking of doing a chapter in jasper's point of view but I think I need some convincing so if you fancy it review and let me know, thanks again for the reviews, they're wonderful**

Chapter 6- Pink elephants

If someone had told me a month ago I'd be sat at a bar downing drinks and reminiscing with Jasper Whitlock I would have accused them of being high, however, here I was gasping for breath as Jasper told me a story about a shoot he was on in France involving a male underwear model and a wardrobe malfunction.

I couldn't believe the ease with which we slipped back into our old rapport. After we both caught our breath Jasper turned his full gaze on me again.

"So what had you skipping out on work today? And before you say you got your assignment done remember that this is me and I know you, so I know that you would gladly chain yourself to your desk and beg for more work to keep yourself occupied. No offence but you're a complete loser."

Gasping in mock outrage I proceeded to answer his question. "God nosey much? Well truth be told I did finish all my assignments but I did also have a late lunch date."

"Really and who was the lucky gentleman?" Jasper asked and gulped down the rest of his drink, if I wasn't mistaken his impetuous tone revealed a hint of jealously.

"My dad" I said simply.

He stared at me blankly for a moment before speaking up.

"How long?" he didn't need to elaborate I knew what he was asking.

"8 months, he's been clean for over 3 years though now. We've only met up a hand of times, it's slow progress, there's still a lot to discuss." I stated while fidgeting, he clearly didn't approve.

"Would one of these topics up for discussion be the fact that he raised his hand to you?" his jaw tight and his tone brittle, I visibly winced. Nobody knew that but Jasper. My eyes immediately cast down.

"He never actually hit me Jasper." It sounded weak; I knew that, it made me sound like a beaten housewife. My mind wandered to the night it happened.

11 years earlier...

I stood cowering with my arms up to shield the blow my father's arm threatened to deliver. In my frightened state it took a while to process that the imminent blow never struck me. I chanced a look up to see my dad's face frozen as he slowly lowered his hand. We'd been arguing about why he had come home banged up for the second time that week. Needless to say the conversation had turned sour and now here we stood locked in this stance together. I watched his eyes begin to pool with moisture. The realisation started to burn into me, coursing through my vines, finding its way into the crevices. He was going to hit me; he had come so very close to following through.

I walked past him. He followed close behind me. He was calling my name but I didn't answer I just carried on making my way to my room. Still he trailed behind me. I approached the wardrobe and grabbed a suitcase placing it calmly on the bed. Then I started collecting items of clothing from my dresser. He just stood in the doorway trying to get my attention, trying to explain, anything to halt my ministrations. Going around my room I gathered up more things and proceeded to place them in the suitcase. I started to block out the sound of my father's pleadings when I heard. "Please Alice I'm so sorry." I spun around. "No!" he looked at me confused. "No more apologies...I'm done!" and I turned my back on him again to continue packing. "I'm leaving; it's not up for negotiation. I can't do this anymore, it's just too _damn_ painful. What you've done...to yourself...to _me_. I'll go to Jasper's, don't try to contact me....we have nothing to discuss." He stumbled back into the doorframe looking at the floor, finally letting the tears spill over, he made an attempt to leave, pausing slightly but continuing. I collected anything that I needed and it joined the rest of my things in the luggage. I put on my coat and scarf, and made my way down the stairs. That's when I saw the envelope; in my father's scrawled writing it said 'Alice'. I picked it up but refused to open it right now, I needed clarity, something that would elude me if I read his letter and started to second guess my decision.

Before I realised how much time had passed I found myself stood outside Jasper's door, I'd walked there, right the way across town all the time keeping my composure. After a light knock I heard him approach the door. The look on his face as he opened the door was beautiful, he had so much warmth in his light green eyes, then they met with the sight of the case and he knew. His eyes trailed back up to my face and he looked to sorry, at that moment I lost it. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, cold and wet. Then in a split second Jasper engulfed me in his arms. His strong upper body making quick work of my tiny frame and the suitcase that stood beside me. He carried me all the way to his bedroom and placed me so delicately on the bed. He sat with me still in the confines of his strong arms, as he whispered comforting words into my hair and stroked my face and I gradually stopped crying and my breathing became steady once again. I explained what had happened. He closed his eyes and clenched and unclenched his hands; he was angry, it radiated off of him. I made him swear not to get involved and he conceded. I slept cocooned in Jasper's embrace that night; it wouldn't be the last time.

Present...

I was brought back to the present by Jasper's voice.

"Ali I'm not trying to tell you what to do here and I know you think it's none of my business but if you want things to be different I think you need to address it, you can't just pretend it didn't happen."

I glared at him. "Address it huh? What like what we're doing here?" I indicated from me to him. He looked away from me, noticeably annoyed, but I wasn't going to let him get away with that kind of hypocrisy. He should reserve judgement until he could follow his own advice.

"Look Jazz, don't bother to feign offence. You know as well as I do we're avoiding discussing the big, glittery, pink elephant presently in the room with us. The first time we saw each other in a decade we tore each other a new one and we're pretending like it didn't happen. Don't get me wrong I don't want to argue with you, and I'm not saying this newly rekindled friendship, if that's what this is, requires us to have a policy of full disclosure but a little honesty would be good."

He sighed. "Ok. When I saw you I never intended to say those things. I was nervous because I knew by that time that you were going to be there and when I saw you....it was...got it was so much harder than I thought it would be. And I'm sorry for being an ass; some of the shit I said was uncalled for. I really just want a fresh start with you Ali, you were my best friend for god's sake."

I considered what he'd said for a while. "I want us to be friends again too, but that involves us agreeing to leave some stuff where it belongs. This won't work if we keep point scoring on who hurt who more. Do you think you can do that? I'm willing if you are." I offered.

He nodded his head while saying "Yeah I think can." He picked up his empty glass, "A toast to our friendship." And I clinked with him and smiled.

We continued the evening with more drinks and yet more stories and I felt calm for the first time in weeks. As we left he insisted he walk me home as my apartment was on the way to his apparently. The cold air hit me as we left the bar and I started to shiver. Jasper looked over at me inquisitively and then I followed his hands as they reached for the hem of his jumper. In my slightly drunken state I stared at him without any degree of subtly as he proceeded to lift his jumper over his head, an action that caused the t-shirt that laid beneath to ride up some revealing just enough of his abs to hold me attention completely until I felt him thrust the garment at me. Bemused, I had been so lost in raking my eyes over him, and so glad of the view I hadn't given much thought as to why he was disrobing in public.

"No Jasper, you'll freeze, really I'm good."

"Alice I think out of the two of us the risk of you freezing is way more likely. You're like a pocket person. So quit being polite cause we both know you're going to wear it."

He laughed at me as I put it on without further objection. We set about walking home as we braved the cold night air making idle chit chat about his move here when he turned to me with a torn look, as if there was something on the tip of his tongue which as of yet hadn't managed to make it out of his mouth.

"So Miss Brandon is there a guy?" he gave me a sideways glance trying to appear nonchalant. I gave him a look that said 'don't go there'.

"Come on, we're friends, friends discuss each other's love lives."

"Funny we never did that before." I taunted him and then he looked at me seriously. "We didn't need to...back then I was 'the guy'."

He flustered me. Any mention of us romantically tended to have that effect. "No I mean when we were you know, just friends. But anyways the answer's no, I have no love life, I'm thinking of reporting it missing." He chuckled at my attempt to make light out of the depressing state of affairs that my romantic life lay in.

"Well if it's any condolence, I'm the same, I spent too long travelling to maintain a relationship other than with my dog Nessie, who would stay with my friend Paul when I was away and now she's shacked up with him...it was a terrible tug to the heart strings, leaving me for another man. It was only fair to let her go; New York would have been too busy for her."

I beamed at him; it was something of a comfort to know he was just as hopeless as I was. "That must have been a killer, what a bitch, literally. But you know Jazz, if you love them set them free." We laughed briefly at how pathetic we both were. Then I stopped, we had reached my apartment.

He walked me up the steps before standing awkwardly in front of me with both hands in his pockets rocking on the balls of his feet. "You know maybe you should give me your number so we could arrange another drinking session, or you know whatever you want to do." I felt oddly silly, it was like we'd regressed, we were having one of those stilted teenage moments where you both want the same thing but are both completely inept at asking for it. I reached in my bag fishing out a pen and took his hand in mine, flipping it to scribble my number there. Feeling his skin under my fingertips felt like dangerous territory, it felt too good and confusing and it was causing me to fumble. I mustn't think about his skin, his warm, smooth man skin that prickled under my touch. I was hereby prohibited from any thoughts involving his skin. Then he leaned in and hugged me, both of us breaking the appropriate time limit for hugs, I broke away first, thanking him for the night and ushered myself indoors. As soon as I was inside I leaned against the door breathing deep.

I stood there for a while before pushing myself off the door and moving to the living room. Sitting on the couch I realised I was still wearing his jumper. Since there was no one around to tell me how ridiculous I was being I inhaled his jumper rubbing the soft fabric against my cheek. Yeah I was screwed, I could see some shit hitting a fan in my not so distant future.

**So what do you reckon of their first official meeting? Loved it? Thought it sucked, all thoughts are welcome; let me know what you think.....**

**R&R**

**x**


	7. A Can of Old Worms

**This chapter's a little bigger as promised, and there's a big slice of Alice and Jasper as well so hopefully you'll enjoy, remember to review with any comments or thoughts you have.**

Chapter 7 - A Can of Old Worms

Bella and I were sat at the coffee shop round the corner from the office. I had unknowingly been roped into a game of 20 questions, Jasper related questions. Apparently Bella was in disbelief that we could co-exist let alone be friends.

"So you're telling me you two get together and hang out, platonically might I add, and you engage in no hanky panky of any description? You just hang out, like friends, who don't have sex?" She quizzed me with her Swan death glare thinking I'd break, which I would if there was anything to tell but sadly there wasn't. Sadly was the wrong word, it implied I was unhappy in my platonic friendship...with the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. Shaking my head of the images of said beautiful man I thought I'd try and enlighten her.

"Ok firstly you are 28 years old and hereby banned from using the term hanky panky to describe sex, other childish terms you are prohibited from using are monkey business and knocked boots. Secondly yes we hang out, no we don't have sex, and to your next question no I do not plan on having sex with him."

"Hmmm interesting, so there's zero temptation to bone your sexy piece of man candy with the adorable dimples?"

"'Bone was just added to the list. Look he's attractive and I would be blind not to see that but he's always been attractive so I'm used to it, I can control myself. He's my attractive man friend with whom I go on platonic outings for coffee." I finished rather proud of myself, I had managed to verbosely label mine and Jasper's somewhat friendship.

"Right I get you, so when you say he's always been attractive you were referring to the past, the past in which he was also attractive and you were friends and then you became lovers?" She barely suppressed a giggle as she slurped her drink. I tried not to laugh in spite of myself, but I figured you can't win them all. I laid my arms down on the table and my head soon joined them.

"Ali its ok, he's hot, you're supposed to drool, its natures law. The problem is he's not just hot is he? He's smart and funny and he cares about you so on paper he's good, he's boyfriend material. However I think if you're going to go down that route again it's worth discussing with him what went on last time, and while you're at it tell me, I'm nosey, I want the gossip." She grinned.

Lifting my head fully I started. "Thing is we sort of said we weren't going to do the discussing thing, I mean how do you start that conversation 'hey Jasper how'd you fancy talking about how you broke my heart a decade ago?' for starters most people would have gotten over it, and to be honest I think our friendship will only survive if we don't go opening cans of very old worms. And I did tell you what happened, curiosity killed the cat my friend"

"But we're not talking about the survival of your friendship; we're talking about the revival of your relationship. So here's the deal, friends are allowed to not discuss the fact that you still have feelings for him. But more than friends means digging out your can of very old worms and cracking it open. And no you didn't tell me what happened; you gave me an outline, you were vague, and if I wasn't such a good friend I would have pried sooner."

"Ok deal, relationship = worms, got it. And I'll tell you another time right now we have to go to work."

Work proved to be uneventful, but my mind was preoccupied with the conversation with Bella so I doubt I would have noticed any events regardless of how inspiring they might have been. In an attempt to resolve the confusion I decided to walk home. I could admittedly see her point, we had started as friends before and then became mostly more than friends, and then we became nothing. Secretly I liked the idea of being mostly more than friends who were mostly going out, but the thought of being nothing again after regaining the something we'd once had seemed unbearable. So here I was rambling inside my own head about the lines I was trying to draw up and evidently not cross regarding mine and Jasper's friendship, when I figured I may not be allowed to reminisce with Jasper so long as we were friends but I was allowed to reminisce to myself.

11 years ago...

I walked in the kitchen to the sound of Jasper's baritone murdering 'Meet me in the bathroom' by the Strokes.

"_Never was on time  
Yes, I once was mine  
Well, that was long ago  
And darling, I don't mind.  
Yeah, we were just two friends in lust  
And baby, that just don't mean much  
You trained me not to love  
After you showed me what it was__" _

I giggle to myself as I leant on the corner of the worktop. He turned around and shot me a brilliant smile. "You better not be laughing at me, that song is a classic and I'm breathing new life into with my sultry voice."

I smiled. "That you are Jazz; personally I'm loving your rendition. But would you care to tell me why you're thrashing around the kitchen?"

"Ah ha well here I thought 'Ali always does the cooking' and not that I'm complaining cause frankly I've never eaten better thanks to your mad skills in the kitchen, however I thought you deserved a night off so I am making you dinner. See I have everything I need, ingredients, pans and a takeout menu for when I burn everything....fully prepared." I laughed as he pointed to the various things strewn around the small kitchen.

"You're all grown up. And kudos on your ability to unashamedly use the term '_mad skills_' by the way, but honestly I don't mind doing all this for you; it's the least I can offer considering you're letting me stay rent free."

"Ali we talked about this it's not a big deal my dad foots the bill for this place anyway, so I'm pretty lucky as it is aside from the fact that I have a beautiful woman keeping me company." I looked up, and he looked away. He'd never called me beautiful, beautiful was a word reserved for landscapes and architecture...and Jasper. He seemed embarrassed so I decided to ignore it; it was a slip of the tongue that he seemed to be regretting, no fuss necessary.

"Well in that case proceed on, and in case you cremate the food I'll have the house special fried rice." I finished with a smile hoping he'd forget the comment. I didn't want him bringing it up and making things awkward because the fact remained despite the ideas I had managed to form in my head about wedding rings and white picket fences, that that was not a reality that Jasper and I would experience together. He was meant for better.

After the Chinese that we eventually ordered as a last resort, we sat in his room listening to music, relishing the fact that we both didn't have work to do. I looked around his room becoming for the first time aware that there were no photographs, and even weirder, there was no camera.

His old room had been littered with shots of all description he'd taken after getting the camera off of his grandparents a couple of years back. But here there was nothing, it looked excavated; it was surprisingly sterile compared to the haphazard decor of his old room.

"Hey Jasper where's all your old photos? And your camera? I haven't seen either in a while come to think of it." He had his back to me and he shuffled a little as if trying to come up with an excuse.

"I don't know, I guess it got kinda broken so I threw it out. There didn't seem much point in keeping the pictures after that." He still stood with his back to me, his broad shoulders tense. I should have dropped it, I should have minded my own business but when it came to him it seemed I was unable.

"How'd it get broken Jasper and don't blow me off with a 'the dog ate it' excuse because you know me better than to think I'd fall for that. What happened?" He finally turned round, the look on his face surprised me, his beautiful features were contorted into a look that resembled something like pain. His green eyes were downcast and his perfect pouty mouth was pulled into a taut line.

"My dad is what happened. When I refused to go with them he was angry. But I wasn't about to sit and help them pretend it was going to work, their marriage sucked, and I wasn't going to uproot myself and move away from the one person who understood me just so they could save face instead of getting a much needed divorce. So after I told my dad that, he said I could stay all I wanted but he wasn't about to let me live with my head in the clouds with dreams of becoming a photographer and travelling the world. He said if he was going to have to foot the bill for me to stay I would do as he said, I'd become a doctor like him. He found my camera and pretty much demolished it. He got most of my pictures too, I managed to save a few, ones I wouldn't let him find." I sat on his bed stunned. All this time I thought our friendship operated with the rule that my family was the dysfunctional one, that it was my father who didn't know how to be a dad. I'd been so wrapped up in my decision to leave my father that I hadn't given a second thought as to him, and his torment.

"Jasper you never said I'm so sorry, I can't believe he did that, I swear if I believed that my tiny fists could actually cause physical harm I would punch him in the face." He laughed and half smiled, then he took me in his arms. It was so hard being this close to him and being so infatuated with him. It only made me crave what I couldn't have. Crave what I would never act on if it meant there was a risk of losing him all together. I convinced myself to be supportive, to be there for hugs and wherever else he needed from me for as long as was necessary.

"Thank you Alice but please save your tiny fists, he's honestly not worth it." And I looked at him square on. "No he's not, remember that. Now as for this bullshit about you being a great healer I'm putting a stop to that now, you will be photographer and you will travel the world, so he can shove his condescending lecture up his ass. Now what do you say we go to the store tomorrow and get you a couple of disposable cameras for you to get back into practice with?"

He laughed. And we did go and get some but I had bigger plans. I'd been working at the cafe near the apartment and I had some money saved and I figured if I got just a bit more together I'd be able to buy him something a little more permanent.

About a month later I had scrapped up the cash to buy what I assumed was a pretty decent camera. The sales assistant advised me on one spouting lots of words about features it had that I didn't understand, but that I assumed Jasper would. That night I checked he wasn't home yet and I placed the camera on the coffee table. When he arrived I ambushed him at the door.

"I have a surprise for you, and don't look so nervous, I think you'll like it." I walked behind him and placed my hands to cover his eyes, having to stand on my tip toes to reach his full height, I think he may have crouched a little to aid me in my efforts.

He laughed.

"What's with the secrecy? Ali I'm going to be honest with you I can't see where I'm going so if I fall I'm holding you responsible."

"Sush I would never let you fall, now right a bit, ok open your eyes."

I watched on nervously as his eyes opened and landed on the camera. He stiffened slightly. "Erm the guy at the shop said that was the one to get, and he said that photo paper was the best so I figured if you're going to fulfil your dreams of becoming a jetsetter we can't have to using shoddy paper. A workman's only as good as his tools right?" I was rambling, and he was silent, he hadn't said anything however the smile that had been on his face was now noticeably absent.

"How did you afford this?" He said in a steady voice. It confused me, he was supposed to be happy and elated and snap happy not stood here interrogating me on how I funded it.

"Well I had some money saved, and I pulled a few extra shifts and viola." My voice was nervous; this had not gone as planned. Jasper raised his hand to the bridge of his nose and he pinched it. He wasn't supposed to look exasperated either. He turned and walked upstairs. I stood there bemused. But rather than let matters get worse I figured I should follow him and find out why he was leaving the room and avoiding me and the camera.

I walked into the room but I didn't go much further, I figured instead I'd let him talk.

"You shouldn't have done that Ali, you make it _so_ hard." My heart raced, it sounded like he was breaking up with me, then I reminded myself there wasn't anything to break. He was for all intense and purposes my roommate, who I just so happened to be in love with.

"Jasper I don't understand, if...if you don't want it, if it's not the right one I'll take it back, I'm sorry, I just I thought you'd like it. I wanted you to follow your dream not your father's." It was then that he finally turned around. The look on his face was torn, not anger as I was expecting. He sighed heavily.

"What you did...that was...that was the single most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me." Now I stood officially perplexed, he was angry because I did a nice thing, I could not see where he was going with this.

He walked over to his dresser and routed around until he found something. I just stood there none the wiser. He approached me and offered me the contents of his hand. They were photographs, photographs of me. The one's he'd taken of me in the park that day and a few others assorted amongst.

"They're all of me...I'm sorry I don't understand." He looked torn again and surprisingly even more frustrated but he was going to have to clarify, I didn't get what this meant.

"These are the ones I wouldn't let my dad get his hands on. And Ali that isn't a coincidence that they're all of you. I kept them, deliberately kept them. Because you were the only thing worth saving, worth holding on to. So don't you see Ali you can't _do_ things like that. You can't buy me my dream camera and expect me not to...you make it so hard for me Ali. You can't make me fall anymore in love with you...its killing me as it is."

I tried to process it. The part where he professed his love for me. That had to be wrong. Perhaps fervent desires for him to say all those things had materialised in the form of delusions. That was more likely than the part where Jasper Whitlock, stood before me and said he was in love with me. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to react, to do or say anything that would do away with the palatable tension in the air left behind by his statement.

I lifted my head slowly looking him in the eyes, trying to muster the conviction.

"That's my part; I'm supposed to be the one here telling you that. Because it is....killing me that is, being this in love with you and always having to pull back. You are...there aren't even words for the way you make me feel."

His eyes were focused now, trained exactly on me, burning into me. The look he gave me wasn't even close to torn now, closer probably to lust, closer to how I was looking at him. He stepped towards me and in an instant his hand was cupping my check, his skin against my skin was more than anything any one person should be allowed to feel. Here he was just touching my cheek and he was setting me on fire and I couldn't even begin to care about how pathetic that made me.

His eyes full of determination fluttered as he lowered his face to mine. I reminded myself to exhale just before his lips finally touched mine.

It was the single most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me, as his experienced lips moved together with mine I fought to compose myself and not throw him to the bed. I followed his lead having not had as much practice. He lips urged mine to part, they did and then I felt his tongue brush mine, it was gentle obviously aware that I was new to this, but I didn't want gentle, not after so long. I moved my tentative hands to the back of his neck and moved his face closer to mine, he nibbled at my lower lip and I moaned right into his mouth. The kiss deepened and our breathing became heavier as his hands drifted from my face down my body to sit on my waist, he pulled my body closer. I couldn't believe we were stood in his bedroom kissing having both admitted to having feelings for one another. Then suddenly he broke the kiss smiling. "I think we should leave it there for now Ali before I take advantage, that was..." but he didn't finish he just moaned into my hair. I felt that was a pretty appropriate way to describe it myself.

"I know...it was, but feel more than free to take of advantage of all things me, I'm very sure I won't mind at all." And he smiled at me, really smiled. The way he did when he saw me after one of the rare days not spent together, he smiled at me the way he did when he took a photograph of yours truly.

"Thank you Ali for the camera it's amazing truly amazing but I'll only except it on the condition that you agree to go out with me, as my girlfriend, I realise I should be above bribery but fuck it, I demand you go out with me." I laughed while still locked in his arms. Pretending to really consider it for a second.

"Yes, and can I just say it's about time, you had me all lovesick and what not, it was very unbecoming. And you're welcome about the camera; I expect to see these walls filled with photos."

"They will be, you're my muse remember."

Present....

I opened the door to my apartment. After shuffling leisurely around for a while I went to my cds and ran my fingers along them till I found the one I wanted. I put it in and let the music find its way to my ears.

"_You trained me not to love  
After you showed me what it was__"_

There it was, the harsh reality, the opened can of worms. After Jasper there had been nothing comparable, he'd been everything, and I'd lost everything. I'd never let myself lose since him. He trained me on how to keep your heart intact. He taught me that if I didn't want my heart broken, I shouldn't give it away in the first place, and I feared he still had mine. I wasn't sure I wanted him to give it back.

**Tell me your thoughts, R&R x**


	8. Ready Or Not

**Kinda late with this post but work called, never mind, anyways here's the next chapter with more progress on the Jasper/Alice front, I know they're moving kinda slowly but hopefully it'll be worth the wait, remember to read and review **

Chapter 8 – Ready or not

"So I was kinda hoping you could meet him?" The grin gave her away despite her nonchalant tone; she liked Emmet he was very possibly for keeps. Even though I was happy for her, and I would never detract from her happiness, I couldn't help but feel envious. Envy at the ease with which she could let herself fall for him, the carefree way she invested in him. Rose wasn't a girl who sewed her heart on her sleeve to wear for all to see but she was, at least romantically, rather unscathed. She hadn't learnt to be cautious; part of me hoped she never would, at least that way she would make her choices based on her emotions rather than on what caused the least collateral damage.

My way of handling my heart may have been responsible, but never in any epic love story, did the heroine find 'the one' by making responsible choices. There was turmoil, and hysteria and blissful notions of being whisked off ones feet into the arms of the white knight. Having avoided turmoil, hysteria and all manner of whisking I had in turn avoided love, inadvertently, and to my own dismay. The tragic thing is I thought the saving grace to have come from leaving Jasper, otherwise known as my very own white knight, was that I had learnt to love safely, or to protect myself from heartbreak and therefore this was a positive thing. I assumed wisdom had been bestowed upon me in the wake of the wreckage of our relationship and now I realised I wasn't enlightened I was hindered by my own cowardice. I dredged by mind out of the proceedings of my internal rant.

"I'd love to meet him Rose, I can give him the once over and tell him not to hurt you or I'll kill him, or you know hire bigger, taller, more physically well equipped people to kill him."

"Ain't you sweet, well that's a lovely notion Alice, but maybe we can keep the death threats to a minimum until I decide I'm keeping him round long enough for him to even have a chance at hurting me?" I nodded in reply.

"So when do I get to give Jasper the 'I'll kill you' speech? You haven't talked about him in a few days; I thought everything was going well?" I silently berated Rose for knowing me inside out, despite my feeble attempts to pull anything wool-like over her eyes.

"I have this feeling, this feeling like you're going to be saying told you so soon, I mean realistically what was I thinking, was I honestly to believe that I could just have these little get-togethers with him and that I wasn't going to lose my head. I can feel it, I can feel myself falling into traps, falling for him and I can't even find it in me to give a shit." I was glad to say it, to spill the thoughts out into the world for someone else's ears, for someone else to solve. I honestly was tired of them running through my head leaving there little footprints behind to act as reminders so I never truly took my mind off it all.

"Ok I'm saying this now because I love you and because after years of listening to you berate yourself over it I feel I've earned it. I think you are making a mistake! I know you made your choices back then and you can't unmake them but is there nothing in you now that wants to find out what happened, from his side I mean. He broke your heart, don't you want to find out why?-"

"He was ashamed of me that's why!" I interjected feeling defiant.

"Right maybe, except maybe not. We hide things Ali, sometimes even from the people we love, sometimes especially from the people we love. I just think there's so much left unsaid between you and one of you is going to have to be brave here, I'd like it to be you, because you can, you're strong enough to initiate this god awful talk with him and see it through. And this bit you're going to hate me for but here goes....I think there's a chance, a small chance that things aren't finished and that maybe they shouldn't be. Being with him now wouldn't be anything close to what it was like then, you're both not the same people so who's to say how it would be. _Or _you could sit here some more and sulk and then you and Jasper can continue to meet up and avoid the obvious, Christ I'll even get you some eggshells and you can go walk on them together."

"You done?"

"Pretty much." She said smugly.

" You're right, I'm not sat here denying any of it, I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet, to give up the fun bit where we can hang out and there's no drama, I know it's coming, I'm on borrowed time I know, there's only so long we can _not_ talk about what we're not talking about but I'm holding out until I have to. I know that sounds weak but I only just got him back, I can't face him drifting back into obscurity just yet." She sighed, nodding and resigning herself to the fact that I would do the right thing, but that I was in no rush to do it.

* * *

Then I heard the knock at the door. I walked over pretending that it wouldn't be a big deal that Jasper would soon be in my apartment, and therefore a very none neutral place, where I could technically ravish him silly with no fear of public indecency. Technically though, it was and would remain a technicality.

My will power waned some when I opened the door. Clad in only a v-neck grey t-shirt and jeans that resided just low enough on his hips to firmly put my mind in the gutter, all thoughts of technicalities were out of the window. He looked so relaxed, he was 6"2 of mouth watering goodness and here he was in my doorway waiting to embark on another 'just friends' evening together.

I ushered him in, noting that I had spent far too long drinking in the tall glass of water that was Jasper; things would be a lot easier if time hadn't been so good to him. If he had just become a troll in the years spent apart, all thoughts of running my hands through his wavy, unruly hair and exploring all the newly developed muscles; would be considerably absent. Speaking of muscles the grey shirt wasn't helping matters, it showed how he'd gone from toned and lean as a teenager to built and solid as an adult. Jasper had always taken care of himself, but now the evidence of that was straining against his sleeve in the form of his bicep. Ok this can't continue, I need to get my shit together as so far all I've done is stare at him like a sex crazed maniac waiting for her next fix, which admittedly I was at that moment. The months spent alone never took their toll on me till he strolled back into my life, now I was left making doe eyes at him at every opportunity.

"So Miss Brandon, I believe you coerced me here, against my will might I add, with the intention of converting me to your chick flick fetish. I come with an open mind and snacks so what you got for me?" He raised his arms to show all of the fattening goodies he had brought. That was good, chocolate was good, I didn't need sex so long as I had chocolate, for now it would remain the given replacement for sex, or more specifically sex with Jasper.

"Right well you did good, and my choices won't disappoint. I'm going to ease you in with something none threatening, _When Harry Met Sally _and then we're going to see how we go, if you're still on good form we'll round it up with_ The Notebook _but I'm not convinced you're ready for that yet. And before we start there will be no mocking of the films, don't hate ok?" I pointed my finger at him.

"Don't point that finger at me Ali, like I said I'm ready to be enlightened, however I can't agree to zero bullying, some things just need to be mocked but I can agree to try. And just for the record after this you owe me, so save a date in your dairy for_ Pulp Fiction _and _Rock'n'Rolla._" I laughed and shooed him into the living room with the snacks.

Having taken _When Harry Met Sally _like a man, we'd made our way through _Jerry Mcguire _and we were now on _The Notebook_. It hadn't occurred to me until watching them with Jasper mere inches away from me on my less than accommodating sofa, that there would be so many parallels to be drawn between the characters and myself and Jasper. Now here we were watching Noah and Allie cruise their way across the river, while I waited on tender hooks for the big declaration. Naturally I'd seen the movie more times than I could count so I knew every word by memory alone so I was pretty sure that the next scene was going to bare some huge resemblance to me and my companion.

We watched in silence. "_Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me..."_ Risking a sideways glance at Jasper I realised the irony wasn't lost on him either as he stiffened in his seat. _"It wasn't over, it still isn't over."_ For all that is holey I couldn't fathom why I had thought this was a good idea, here we were in this huge cliché, both obviously aware and both just enduring the embarrassment. As the images flashed across the screen of the passionate lovers tearing each other's clothes off I felt the overwhelming need to splash some water on my face and rid my mind of the images of Jasper and I doing the exactly the same. Once upon a time we certainly had enough practice and were no stranger to tearing each other's clothes off.

"Hey erm...would you give me a minute? I'm just headed to the bathroom, you don't need to pause it I've seen millions of times." And I pushed myself off the couch, leaving Jasper looking up at me confused with his big green eyes, all puppy dog-like.

I all but ran to the bathroom. Once inside I leaned myself over the sink, propping myself up for support. I ran the water and splashed it on my cheeks, calming me down some. I looked in the mirror and at that moment the flood of images threatening to invade my consciousness won the battle and spilled over.

Flashback...

Jasper and I were snuggled up on the small sofa watching 'friends' re-runs and just generally being together. Since the exchange of 'I love you's', we'd been glued to each other's side, and that had been weeks ago, we were in a honeymoon period of sorts and it didn't seem to be letting up anytime soon.

Everything was undeniably perfect apart from one little area. That little area concerned my virginity, which was still very much present and accounted for. Jasper had been with other girls, not a worrying amount, but it was fair to say he had put in the man hours and polished his skills with regard to the bedroom.

I however was an 18 year old virgin with an unbelievably attractive boyfriend who for some reason was willing to wait, he was all about not rushing me, not that sex had been officially addressed however. Far from putting me at ease it only added to my belief that I was the ugly duckling of the relationship and that Jasper wasn't bothered enough to even _try _over step the mark, this explanation was the only one that sufficed. It made more sense, there was no way I could be lucky enough for him to love _and _to want me, I had wondered time and time again whether Jasper had confused his feelings for me as a friend for that of a girlfriend and now felt too guilty to retract what he'd said.

I figured I should take initiative. I leaned further in to the crook of his neck and gently touched my lips to his pulse point. His breathing hitched slightly so I decided to continue. I parted my lips and kissed, gently at his neck, he smelled amazing, and I drank him in. He hadn't stopped me so I thought I was finally getting somewhere. Spurred on, I continued my ministrations on his neck and then used the tip of my tongue to lick up the shell of his ear, he moaned. He actually fluttered his eyes and let out a moan, it was quiet but being this close to him meant it didn't go unnoticed to my acute ears. I nibbled his earlobe, looking up at him to gage his reaction, his eyes were still trained on the tv but he wasn't watching it, that much I was sure of.

I untucked my arm from my side, instead grazing it along his chest leaving it there only momentarily before I moved my delicate hand lower, aching slowly, not aiming to tease but simply because I was afraid I'd lose my nerve, although given Jasper's laboured breathing I'd say it had teased him. Hearing this response I couldn't help it I whimpered in his ear as my hand travelled to the corner of his belt buckle, it was a sound as quiet as his own moan but he too had heard it. Just when I was about to graze my fingers to the place I'd spent nights dreaming of, alone on the spare bed, I felt the palm of his firm hand rest on top of mine halting all movement.

His eyes met mine for the first time since my unsuccessful attempt at luring my boyfriend into touching me. They were an array of things, frustration, regret and something darker, lust. That one I was glad of but the regret there did nothing to silence my fears.

"Ali, baby it's getting late maybe we should get to bed." There it was all the confirmation I needed that my boyfriend was not in the slightest bit interested in me in the way I was in him. The hurt crossed my face and I couldn't hide it, I didn't have the inclination to. I just unwrapped myself from him.

"Yeah of course, well I guess I'll just go get ready for bed." With that I walked to the bathroom staring in the mirror at my own reflection trying to look at it objectively. Other people had told me I was attractive, my mother would gush over me when I was younger, before she got sick. She'd used words like beautiful. I couldn't see it. I turned from the mirror and got washed up, having already grabbed my oversized t-shirt, that had originally been Jasper's, I pulled it over my head, letting it fall the place just inches above my knees. It only reminded me of his beautiful tall frame that towered over me that fit rather snugly in the t shirt, while it swamped my petite body.

I walked out of the bathroom, my eyes trained on the floor, to find him sat on the couch with his face in the palms of his hands. "Night Jasper." I was caught between the need to comfort him in his obvious distress and give him the space from me he made so blatant that he wanted.

He looked up. "Ali look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, I just wasn't in _that _mood that's all, and I'm just tired you know?" It was a rhetorical question but yet I felt the need to answer it.

"I know I don't have a ton of knowledge on the subject but the way I figured it teenage boys always wanted you know...I thought you were all just these hormonally charged machines." He sighed.

"Yeah I know, I'm just...not in that mood tonight that all, it's nothing at all to do with you, I just think I need to get some rest, honestly it's nothing you did." He looked pained, but something in me didn't believe everything he was saying.

"Ok well I guess if you're just tired you're tired, I'm going to bed." I turned my back.

"Ali please don't-"

"I'm fine Jasper" I didn't even turn to look at him, I didn't want him to sit here and give pretend reasons to justify why he found me repulsive.

I lay awake in bed hating not only the mood the night had taken, but also the way I'd left things with him. We never argued, or snapped at each other, we weren't even remotely passive aggressive, so it bothered me that for the first time since I'd known him I didn't feel completely secure with him. I made the decision there and then that I wasn't going to lay here for hours, instead I got out of bed and walked the distance to Jasper's door which was slightly ajar.

What I found there made me feel all different kinds of crazy.

There, lying on the bed was Jasper, his chest bare revealing panes of perfectly sculpted muscle. His sweatpants lowered to his thighs, he was essentially naked. My eyes travelled from the soft skin of his neck, to the pink skin of his small nipples, to his defined abs, down to the dusting of light brown hair that lay below. Then I couldn't help it, I knew it was an invasion of his privacy, I knew it was wrong but despite all that I lowered my eyes to his straining cock that was nestled in the palm of his right hand as it worked its way up the length of it. My breath was caught in my throat, I daren't breathe in case I alerted him, in case that make him stop his assault on his hard cock. His hand pulled up the shaft reaching the top only to graze the pad of his thumb over the slit that I presumed was glistening, although I couldn't make it out in the darkness. His stomach muscles contracted briefly and relaxed with every upward motion, and his breathing got heavier. I finally hazarded a look at his beautiful face. And that image will forever be imprinted in my brain. His eyes screwed shut, his thick dark lashes fluttering occasionally as full lips parted to release soft, tortured moans.

My body reacted, I could feel the heat creeping up my neck, the flush hitting my cheeks, my eyes trained solely on Jasper. Moisture pooled between my thighs in a way that was completely foreign to me.

I watched as Jasper seemingly got closer to his release, his hips began to thrust slightly into his hand and I gasped. I knew the moment the involuntary sound left my mouth that I was busted. Jasper halted abruptly, his body still as his eyes searched the darkness landing on the crack in the doorway where I was stationed. Not knowing what to do I panicked, I couldn't move. He manoeuvred his pants back up to his hips as he sat up.

His breathing still heavy as his chest rose and fell. His voice was breathy as he said. "Ali, how long were you stood there?" I still hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to...I was just coming to speak to you." My voice faint in the thick air, that was comprised of a mixture of sexual tension and fear.

"You don't just invade someone's privacy like that Alice, it isn't fair." His voice sounded angry but I deduced that there was an undertone of embarrassment. At being caught, because he had been caught, caught in a lie. He had professed to being tired but he yet he engages in some nocturnal activities that looked like they required some energy. Tired my ass!

He wasn't the only one that was angry now. "What isn't fair is being lied to, what was it that you said '_I'm just not in that mood_' that doesn't seem so likely now. In fact I'd say you were so much in that mood that you took matters into your own hands because heaven forbid I touch you." My voice got braver as I spoke. I knew I was wrong for being a peeping Alice but right now I was angry, and hurt, and frankly I was in need of taking matters into my own hands if I'd only had the courage.

"How do you explain that Jasper? You know I knew it, I knew you didn't want me, but my God would it kill you to be honest with me?" I was so embarrassed, I was the girlfriend he found so undesirable that he turned me down and skulked off to his room to jerk off. I turned away I couldn't look at him. The insecurity weighing down on me, I started towards the door so I could cry in the confines of my room.

"That's what you think? You think I don't want you? I'm sorry I made excuses but you're way off base here, you're not even close. You have no idea-"

"No I don't have any idea, I don't have any idea what it's like for you to touch me, or for you to lose control with me, or for you to be so caught up in me that you can't keep your hands to yourself. I try to get some response from you and...and...nothing." I was becoming frantic, the reality of being just friends again after feeling his lips on mine, after thinking we had all the time in the world to act out all the fantasies in my head was crushing, I didn't think I could go back to before.

Then he grabbed my waist and shoved us both up against the wall, his breathe heavy matching my own as it fanned my face.

"Wrong again Ali, I was trying to do the right thing by you and not rush you into anything, I was trying to respect you but if you think for one second I don't want you then you clearly haven't been paying attention. The reason I was in here taking care of things myself is because after that little stunt you pulled earlier I've been hard as a rock, unable to get you out of my head. I was thinking of you, like I do every time I touch myself, like I have done for longer than I care to admit. Thinking about your perfect red lips, and your beautiful body that I want to do unexplainable things to. You feel that baby?-" and he pushed his hips into me so I could feel his straining erection. "-that Ali is what happens when I think of you." I moaned in spite of myself and pulled his hips to meet mine once more.

The reality washed over me that the man I loved, the man I fantasised about, the man I had unwittingly managed to make my own was stood before me telling me I was the one not only that he loved, but also, the one that he wanted. In that moment I wanted to devour him. I crushed his face to mine in a kiss like we'd never shared, he wasn't tentative, he was aware I wasn't going to break and he treat me as such. His lips pulled my bottom lips between his own and it was all too much. His straining cock grinding into my hip, his demanding hands lost in my hair and his lips, his lips were setting me on fire and I had to break away, to breathe.

I pulled away and my chest heaved still pressing up against his. I looked into his eyes and there was a fire nestled behind them that I had never been aware of till that moment. And I couldn't remember wanting anything more than him in my entire life.

"You....you have to stop treating me like I come with FRAGILE warning attached. I'm here, and I love you, and I'm ready for this...for us." I breathed out, still not entirely composed.

"I know that, I just wanted you to know that I wasn't in this for the wrong reasons, we've only been together for just over a month and I didn't know when it was appropriate to...well attack you I guess....like I just did. I don't think we should do anything tonight but maybe a start would be you staying in here, with me." He indicated towards the bed. The smile that took hold of my face was almost giddy.

"That would make it a lot easier for physical contact, I think the walls kind of getting in the way." I said, in turn glancing at the wall that had separated us.

"So maybe that way we could you know experiment a little, slowly though, I'm not rushing you even if you're adamant that you're ready. Is that a deal?"

"Is the deal effective immediately?" I said cocking my said to the side. He nodded while offering me a crooked grin that made my heart flutter in a way that gave some credence to his claim that maybe I wasn't quite done being 'ready'.

End of Flashback....

I was brought out of haze by a banging on the door, courtesy of a frantic sounding Jasper. "Ali, Ali let me in! Are you ok? Please just open the door."

Looking down at the sink I realised the water was still running. I turned it off and backed away. I didn't want to see him. It became so clear that I wasn't 'ready' once again; I wasn't ready for him to be so close.

My hand rested on the door handle and I decided it wasn't fair to worry him further by quite literally shutting him out. I opened it slowly. There he stood with one arm resting on the door frame, his gaze squarely on me, sad and worried and not really all that confused.

"Panic over, I'm good, just got a little hot that's all." And I shouldn't have known it wasn't enough. That I couldn't expect him to accept my weak excuse.

"That's it? You barricade yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and you think that's going to fly. I know what's going on here Alice, I wasn't born yesterday."

I simply moved around the apartment picking up the remnants of the snacks that littered the coffee table. I couldn't have this conversation with him right now. Right now just about all I could do was tidy, tidy and clean so that's what I would do. He was pacing behind me and as I made my way back from the kitchen he took my hand.

"Ali please don't do this, talk to me." I looked up in his eyes and right then I felt my own filling up. He was backing me up into the wall before I even realised what was happening. He hovered over me, his breath dusting my face, he was so near. His arms on either side of me pressed against the wall, insulating us from everything else accept this moment. His half lidded eyes flickered between my lips and my eyes asking for permission.

Leaning in he merely brushed his lips against mine, nudging them, we both groaned.

But I turned my head.

I couldn't.

"Jasper I can't do this with you right now. You need to go so I can put my head in some kind of order."

He sighed leaning into my neck.

"When you're ready to stop running from this you know where I am. We do need to talk Alice." He said pushing his weight from the wall where we resided.

I heard the apartment door close and I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Drifting around the apartment I found myself in the kitchen. I looked at the fridge. I would tact everything there from articles I'd read, to recipes I'd scrawled down. Right now my eyes fell on a poem I'd put there months back. It was one of Carol Ann Duffy's, in an interview with her published around the time she became poet laureate they'd also printed a small collection of her poetry. I'd read them all many times over, some I even had sitting on my bookshelves, but for some reason I felt this one earned a place on the fridge.

_Uninvited, the thought of you stayed too late in my head.  
so I went to bed, dreaming you hard, hard, woke with your name,  
like tears, soft, salt, on my lips, the sound of its bright syllables  
like a charm, like a spell._

Falling in love  
is glamorous hell; the crouched, parched heart  
like a tiger, ready to kill; a flame's fierce licks under the skin.  
Into my life, larger than life, you strolled in.

It reminded me so much of him, like most things did these days. I resided myself to the fact that I might not ever be ready, or more to the point brave enough, to lay it all bare for him, but whether I liked it or not I was going to have to confront the _glamorous hell_.

**So what's the verdict? All thoughts are welcome...x**


	9. Sparring With Metaphorical Coffee Tables

**This chapter has a few clues in to bear in mind, and the next chapter should hopefully clear up any confusion for those of you who are wondering about Alice's motives, so you won't be in the dark for long.....read...review...and enjoy **

Chapter 9 – Sparring With Metaphorical Coffee Tables

I screeched, revelling in my tantrum and banging and quickly discarding the uncooperative pieces of flimsy wood that now littered my apartment floor. I heard the front door open and then the familiar footsteps of overpriced, beautiful but impractical footwear making contact with my wooden floor.

My friends had arrived just in time to witness the peak of my showdown of what was left of the would-be table. In round three of Alice vs. the flat pack, the soon to be kindling was kicking my ass.

"Why did I even bother with this I mean I had one of these pieces of crap years ago and it didn't work that time either, ended up wasting all my energy trying to make it work, but you know I don't think it wants to work, I thought it would be different this time, the brochure made all these claims about how it was no hassle, no hassle my ass, you know you bring something into your apartment with good intentions, invest time in it and look it's a mess, everything's just a mess."

I looked down at the pile defected. The afternoon's efforts clearly wasted. Bella and Kate looked bemused, as usual Rosalie was the first person to speak.

"Okay back away from the poorly assembled coffee table Alice...seriously or we will have you committed. You are aware that you are using this flat pack as a moronic metaphor for yours and Jasper's non-relationship aren't you? And I know to you it's logical to blame the inanimate pieces of wood but if you do not back away immediately there will be just cause for an intervention."

I looked around at the floor, exhausted and a little in fear for my insanity.

"Oh my god I'm a lunatic, I'm going to become one of those crazy bag lady people that sits on park benches recalling her glory days for unassuming bystanders who couldn't give a shit, I'm that woman....I'm crazy bag lady."

"Please this is the big freaking apple...everyone's insane, for god sakes the city's named after a godamn fruit, and if you really became a cause for concern I'd merely build you a granny flat above my garage where you could live, the kind with padded walls where you could rant comfortably in a safe environment."

"I appreciate it, I trust it'll be kitted out with all the necessities...fridge, bed, straight jacket?"

"Well naturally that's just good sense. So I guess you still haven't talked to the Adonis since the almost kiss then?"

I shook my head. I had regaled the events of that night to my friends with extreme ease, partly due to the fact that it was on constant repeat in my head ever since it happened. Except it ended differently in my head, it ended with me leaning into the kiss, giving myself to it...to him. Then there was the ripping off of clothes, the nipping of my skin by teeth that new my body well enough to know that they didn't need to be gentle.

That version existed only for me. It was torturing me slowly. The need to finish what we hadn't even started, all over again.

"It's not just him though Rose it's everything, it's both of them, him and my dad, at the moment they're bleeding me dry and they don't even know they're doing it. There's so much to say to them both, and I don't think I can wait any longer. I'm having these pretend relationships with both of them, we sit in a room together with all the words we need to say circling around us in the air, making me dizzy."

It was Kate's turn to talk this time.

"Well then discuss it, with both of them, discuss the hell out of it until you claim your sanity back, this is the fork in the road Ali. The one where you have to be brave and lucky for you, you have three best friends who aren't going to allow you to bail on the right path. We've given you time to figure this out, to do it in your own time but here's the thing you aren't ever going to be ready or prepared or whatever you hope to be, but you still have to do it, because it's about taking charge of your godamn life. You need to go see your dad, take the weekend, take the time. Jasper can wait, you need to become more coherent before you go in there comparing him to a flat pack coffee table. When you get back from seeing your dad you go talk to Jasper and you can figure out in the meantime if you want to push him away next time he tries to kiss you."

----∞----

I sat in my seat staring at my fold away table in front. The seatbelt sign had turned off but I made no move to take it off or alter anything. I was having a well contained internal panic attack about the prospect of not only seeing my dad and my old life again, but about being back in Washington where I knew there would be reminders of him, Jasper, everywhere. It all seemed like a lot to confront at once but I figure it was a kinda package deal.

Washington was complicated. I had lost the three people I loved most there, Dad, Jasper and more tangibly my mother who surprisingly was the easiest to remember without too much pain. That was not to say I had loved her less, not even slightly.

_Flashback...._

Jasper and I were curled up in bed, intertwined and needing to find every bit of available skin to touch. He was twirling his fingers in my short hair that ghosted around my soft jaw line.

"Can I ask you something?" his voice rendered the silence gone, in its place was the slight nervousness and palatable curiosity. Jasper never asked for permission to ask, he just went ahead, his eagerness to find out more usually outweighing his desire to be polite. Not that his questions were invasive, he was just so bold, more than I had been used to but more often than not he managed to diminish the taboo surrounding a subject if it was just addressed.

"Since when do I need to give the go ahead? But to indulge your question fire away."

He waited tentatively, I was genuinely nervous now.

"Why do you never talk about her? Your mother, you've never once mentioned her and I wanted to wait for you to talk about her in your own time rather than push you but to be honest it worries me that you don't, or haven't yet, so why?"

I considered him for a minute. I had not expected that at all. I tried to piece together the bits of sense in my mind to suffice a reasonable explanation.

"When she first got sick we all thought we were going to get a hallmark ending where she'd come out having kicked cancer's ass, but after a while I realised she was getting worse and that she was going to continue to get worse. He cared for her right till the end, he had to carry her up the stairs in the last few months because she just didn't have the strength.

"I saw the effect it was having on him. He was this big powerful man who'd spent his life dedicated to the Police where he'd find the evil in the world and end it, then this evil thing entered his home, took hold of his wife and ravished his family and he couldn't do a thing. I think that's where a lot of his anger came from, he was powerless. She used to talk to me openly, that was our rule, no secrets, I wasn't a baby I needed to know what was going on, how much time I had, so I could lose her gradually, so I could process, I needed to prepare. I don't think they had the same no secrets policy, it wouldn't have helped him to know that he was on borrowed time, he knew it had spread but he pretended not to know what that meant for her and for us. She had called me to her room a few days before she died and she'd said that me and dad would have to take care of each other now, she said that everything I'd ever need to know she'd already instilled in me, that she'd raised a good person so I would always know what to do when it came to difficult decisions, my gut would tell me and I would trust it. She said she was sorry for everything she would miss, graduations, wedding days, grandchildren but that from now on she'd have to watch from a distance, that was her path but she would watch over me. In the end I think I was ready to let her go if it meant she'd be safe, and happy and pain-free, I wanted those things for her again even if it meant she could only achieve them by leaving me. I couldn't hope to keep her there looking that weak, in that much pain, to watch that....I didn't have the strength for that, she was going to die and I had to repeat in my head every day that it was better for her even if there were times I wanted to scream at how unjust it seemed.

I looked down at my fingers for a second, swallowing the lump gathering in my throat.

"He couldn't talk about her, not at all, not even a little bit. So I just didn't, I guess I got so used to preserving those feelings and recollections for myself only that I never thought to share them, I got used to having no one around to ask about her so I kept it for safe keeps in my own mind. In all honesty maybe I wasn't brave enough to confront it, so his lack of acknowledgement of my loss suited me just fine."

"In truth I miss her everyday; and sometimes I'm angry that I'm denied something that should be a young woman's right...her mother, but one thing we talked about before she died is how if you spend your days looking back at what you _had_ you'll most likely miss what you _have._ I see that in my dad, his eyes are trained on the past and he misses so many things, since she passed I grew into an adult and I'm not even sure he noticed. He never really recognized what it was for _me_ to lose her; he only seemed to be aware of his suffering. I think sometimes that's why she deliberately tried so hard to prepare me because maybe on some level she knew that he wouldn't be able to help me through it."

He'd been silent the entire time just listening intently. I got up from the bed and walked over to my handbag, after routing for a while I happened upon my purse and I pulled it out. I walked back over to the bed, placing myself beside Jasper.

I pulled out a photograph.

"This was taken when she first got sick. It was my first day back after the Christmas holidays and that morning I hadn't wanted to go to school insisting I stay with her, so I could take care of her. Naturally she insisted I go saying she had to go to the clinic anyways and that she had a busy day. Well she dropped me off and went for her appointment, that was the day they told her that the cancer was more advanced than they had anticipated. I guess she just thought fuck the rules cause in my third class of the day I was pulled out by an attendant telling me to collect all my stuff apparently my mother would be waiting for me outside. I remember she was stood by her car wearing this beautiful red scarf that was blowing everywhere and she just smiled. We spent the day together doing all the things that people say they'll do but that they never get round to, silly touristy stuff. This photo was taken in a park, we were eating ice cream even though it was freezing, see how my cheeks were all rosy?" I giggled pointing them out to Jasper. He grinned and nodded taking the photo in his hand and looking more closely.

He turned to me with a look which I couldn't decipher.

"Thank you for talking about her, and any other time you feel like talking about her I'm all ears. Next time don't wait for someone to ask ok?" he said gently.

_End of Flashback....._

We were approaching to land shortly. I stiffened in my seat hating this part and mentally berating myself for not badgering Rose to come and act as moral support.

Despite my apprehension it was over sooner than expected and people were soon unbuckling with elbows at the ready to make a quick exit. I strolled off the plane, in no hurry to rush to the inevitable.

The taxi ride through my hometown was surreal to say the least. Despite the overall structure of everything being not indifferent to what I remember it had undergone a sort of sprucing up since I left, with buildings and venues that were seemingly new arrivals to the landscape. That said the place in my memory still withstanding despite the renovations.

When we pulled up to the house I was beyond nervous. I gazed at the front garden as I walked cautiously up to the front porch. There were flowers, and lush grass and....daffodils. Her favourite. When I had been young my mother would grow them herself and the garden would flourish under her constant care, it had wilted and been lost to neglect after she died and there was no one there to provide the attention it needed.

Then I realised, he had grown _her_ garden. It was in memory of her, a testament to her. Somehow with that knowledge the bright petals glowed just that little bit more under the setting sun. My dad had done something small but poignant, he revisited that which was most painful and he had managed to come to terms, resurrect something from its ruins.

I spurred me on. I could have courage also. If my father had managed to grow something beautiful out of the barren waste land that had been that garden, then maybe I could make this work, find something worth salvaging amongst the wreckage.

I knocked on the door. Fidgeting slightly in my anxious state, the seconds that passed dragged by with extreme pull.

Then he opened the door. His face was dumbstruck as if his brain could not process the image his eyes had shown him. I thought maybe I should speak seen as in he seemed to have lost the ability.

"It was time for me to come home. I needed to see you, to talk properly. The things I have to say deserve to be given a better reception than a noisy coffee shop. There are things I need to say and I figure there are things you need to say too; so I'm here...if you'll have me."

The tears pricked his eyes and he blinked then back before crushing me into an all consuming hug. When I pulled back I didn't say anything about the obvious display of emotion, I just picked up my case and made myself once again at home.

----∞----

I had cooked which was safer for both of us, as despite my dad telling me that his bachelor status had provided copious amounts of time to home his cooking skills, I was still doubtful. I could remember a time when his culinary delights were just as poisonous and yet he believed them edible. His lack of objectivity when it came to his mealtime creations were a source of constant annoyance to me as a child as he would not accept that his food sucked. That's what made me learn to cook in the end, it was either that or we meet an untimely end due to malnutrition.

"Ah I must admit Ali I have missed your cooking, when I walked in the door tonight I had no idea I'd be eating a feast for dinner, I thought all I had waiting for me was microwaveable meatloaf. It's a step up I can tell you."

He grinned and I couldn't help but warm slightly to him. In truth I had missed cooking for someone, since I had no man around to reap the benefits of my cooking skills Rosalie and the girls came round every so often to enjoy some good home-cooked food, usually when their respective microwaves gave out on them.

"Glad I could be of service to you, so how was today at work? Was the centre busy?" he nodded and chewed finishing his last mouthful.

"Yeah it was actually, we've starting running certain smaller groups for more high profile people whose privacy is of a concern. No one major just successful business men, lawyers you know the type, they have a reputation at stake I suppose. They wanted me to run it considering I have some first experience in that area, you know with having a certain public persona that becomes jeopardised by the addiction."

My father had in the last year been working as a promotional speaker and group leader for alcoholic anonymous groups. It seemed like a good fit, and what's more it had helped him work through some of his own demons.

"One of the men we're working with is a surgeon, not from around here, he's taken time out to deal with it which is obviously quite healthy but god knows if he hadn't sort help his life and career would have been in tatters. I mean that sort of work relies on a patient placing so much trust in you and if you're to reveal the slightest flaw it can make the headlines, they're suppose to be these poster boys for perfection, having your name dragged through the dirt can ruin a guy like that. I mean you remember when Carlisle Cullen's wife had that affair and it all came out, the newspapers were revelling in the hotshot surgeons fall from grace, they'd already skipped town by the time the ink on the papers was dry, leaving they're son....."

He stopped. He had inadvertently walked into minefield. I had remembered the uproar when it became public knowledge that Jasper's father, Carlisle Cullen was embroiled in a love triangle of sorts. The local papers had plastered the story everywhere as Mr Cullen has been something of a home grown celebrity, his less than cookie cutter private life had read like a soap opera in the tabloids. There shift departure, didn't give much opportunity for them to be hounded by questions, however these were shiftily directed at Jasper in their wake.

"It's ok you're allowed to mention him, he's not off topic I guess things are just complicated between him and I at the moment that's all. Some things to work through before we know where we both stand, a lot of talking I guess."

"Well that wasn't cryptic at all, cleared the whole things right up." He said with a smile and I laughed. He was right I was being vague I guess I was playing the avoidance game until I could stomach tackling it.

"Well that's all you're getting out of me on that one for now I think we have some stuff to discuss before we start delving into my lacklustre private life."

I didn't mean to sound so serious but after all that was the purpose of the trip and skirting around it seemed pointless at this stage.

"I know we do but can we not do it know Ali I had a really long day and I'm tired and it's so nice to have you back, let's not ruin tonight dredging up all that."

I was awestruck, he had managed to undermine years of neglect and borderline abuse into a menial quote of "all that", the "all that" which I was dredging up and apparently ruining our lovely bubble of denial. I couldn't believe that he could look upon it as something to be pushed under the rug. For god sake I was only here for a couple of days we didn't exactly have time to settle in and get comfy we would have to get to the dredging up pretty sharpish. After all it had been what 8 months and 10 years we had avoided the subject, I would say we are very much overdue a little dredging up.

Before I realised what was happening he was clearing away the plates effectively ending the conversation. He had his back to me as he starting to do the washing up. Still unsure of how to proceed when he was so unwilling I carted myself up to what was my old room.

When I entered I wasn't prepared for what I saw, it was untouched. Dusted? Yes. Tidied? Yes. But effectively completely the same as I had left it. I never imagined he would leave it as it stood, I figured it would be a games room by now. The rest of the house after all had undergone a complete overhaul, decorated and furnished differently, if it wasn't for a few tell tale signs I could easily have believed it was a different house. And yet here my room stood in a complete time warp. I sat on the bed marvelling at the familiarity of it all. I'm not sure how long I sat there taking it in, absorbing the feelings that started to surface. I got up to run my hand along the top of my chest of drawers. And that's when it hit me.

_Clothes being snatched out of the drawers to be stuffed into a suitcase that got evermore full with the growing contents thrust into it's casing._

I looked down at it remembering the last time I had touched it, the day I had left here. The day he had...and it became unbearable in the room. Every item I looked at made me angry, I had given all this up because he had made me afraid in my own home. He had done that and yet I wasn't allowed to discuss it or talk about it because he was _too tired _or rather too much of a coward.

I stormed out of the room down the stairs to find him in the living sitting on the couch in silence looking deep in thought. The scene before my eyes distracted me slightly but not enough to break my stride. The voice that came out of my mouth was not one I even recognised, it was quite, gentle even but there was a strength behind it, a strength that would get his attention.

"You raised your hand to me, right here in this room, you stood over me, all 6ft 2 of you and raised your arm and you know what stopped you? You know the reason you didn't follow through is because you saw me there crumpled and broken and cowering on the floor and for the first time, for the first fucking time you saw the monster you were reflected back at you. And you know the part that really kills me is that is what it took for you to see yourself, never mind the other times where you dragged me and ragged me around because it's not abuse if you just rough em up a bit is it? No of course not, abusers hit, so as long as you don't punch them you can pass it off as discipline."

He stood before me, his eyes wide and mouth agape as if the words were there but they simply couldn't find a means of leaving his mouth.

"So here it is, I'm here, I'm actually here standing in front of you giving you the chance to make up for all that, I'm giving you a fresh start, so here, here is where you prove to me that getting on a plane and going against all my better judgement is worth it, here and now or I walk out again and I promise you I don't have it in me to forgive you twice."

"I did see Ali, I know you thought I didn't but even through my drunken haze I did see. You were all I saw, but it just made it worse, I would see you and think I didn't know how I could possibly raise you alone, I saw you grow and mature and I realise I had nothing to do with it, you'd done it on your own, I'd been rendered useless. The more I saw the more I realised that if I tried to intervene and try to parent you the more likely I was to fuck it up to ruin your progress, I just seemed to taint everything I touched back then with my moroseness and self pity. I thought it was more detrimental for you to be around me so I dragged you out of my sight so you couldn't see the waste that I'd become and so I couldn't see the beautiful young woman I had no part in raising."

The tears welling up in me finally spilled and fell in a near constant stream down my cheeks.

"I never didn't love you I just hated me."

At that point I fell into him and let myself hug him back for the first time in longer than I can remember. We stayed like that for a while, me sniffling unceremoniously into his shoulder; we eventually sat on the couch.

We started to rifle through all the things left unsaid for so long. My anger peaking at points and calming when I heard explanations that provided clarity.

We talked for hours. Probing each other for the details in each other's lives that we'd either failed to notice or chosen to miss. The night tipped into the next day and we decided to head to bed thoroughly tried out.

----∞----

I stumbled through my apartment door with my luggage, which was still substantial despite my efforts to 'pack light', a term I had proven to be vacuous over the years of sitting on already crammed suitcases with Rosalie and the girls in an effort to shut the stubborn lid. It occurred to me as I got a head start on my unpacking that listening to my dad had proven that the cliché of there being two sides to a story was possibly rooted in some kind of truth. I knew what I had thought of my father's intentions for all those years was obscured due to my own anger. In knowing that I had to believe that maybe I wasn't as justified in leaving Jasper so abruptly all those years ago or at the very least maybe I could have sat down like an adult and ended the relationship with more decorum that I had demonstrated. He had earned an explanation the same as I had from my father, so I guess it was one down one to go....

**Love reading your comments so if you have any you want to leave that would be just scrumptious :) **


	10. What You Left Behind

**This chapter is much later than anticipated, and I'm sorry for those of you reading it for the delay but I did have a legitimate reason, my computer kind of broke, and as this chapter is much longer than the rest I wasn't able to hog anyone else laptop for long enough to write it, alas I have a new computer and with that a new chapter so here it is, also I know this story has an M rating but just as a customary warning to cover my back and shield this from innocent eyes it should be noted that this story does contain adult content and mature themes, anyways enjoy and don't forget to R & R**

Chapter 10 – What You Left Behind

It was the night of first meetings, one of those where the best friends meet the new boyfriend of their beloved friend and scrutinise him almost incessantly while the beloved friend waits on tenterhooks for the verdict. Tonight I was meeting Emmett the friendly giant that Rosalie seemed to have a great fondness for. I was also meeting Edward, a slightly newer edition to Bella's life that she had not told me about because apparently I've been somewhat of a neurotic mess of late and could not be trusted to react sensibly to my friend's happiness. I have to say I was minutely offended that I was considered so absorbed in my Jasper related woes that she didn't want to bring it up. I think she felt guilty that she had found a someone, or maybe found, and that I was living in my past. I told her I was happy for her and truly I meant it, the distraction of boy talk with my nearest and dearest was very welcome. I could revel in the newness they were experiencing, the part where there's all the expectations in the world and no one shits all over your naivety, cause in actual fact just because the happy ending isn't always realised doesn't mean it's not attainable. And tonight I was championing love for the sakes of my friends, I was on the love bandwagon so to speak and I was singing its praises, it was the least they deserved for putting up with me.

Dashing out the door in record time, I pulled up to Kate's so she could taxi it with moi, we were being each other's dates for the evening. I saw her approach the car and give me a little frantic wave. I grinned enthusiastically. This is what I needed, time with my friends to immerse myself in my friendly duties. She hopped inside.

"I believe you are my hot date for the evening Miss Garatt, and I have to say I'm not at all disappointed." I gave her an exaggerated wink and she laughed that hearty laugh that belonged solely and uniquely to Kate.

"Not looking to shabby yourself there Ali, you better not be looking to score tonight and ditch me." I giggled. We both knew that was unlikely.

The journey to the bar was spent musing over what we would make of the new additions to our friends lives. We were setting the bar high but only because our friends deserved no less than male perfection.

Our eyes searched the room, figuring we'd just look for the burly guy that would be ogling Rose. She had described him as huge no less than a dozen times so we just proceeded to look for the muscle bound lovely that had captured her heart.

The search was short lived as we happened upon them by the bar. Rosalie turned to us with a smile that looked genuine with an undertone of anxiety; I expected she was just nervous we wouldn't like him. She shouldn't have worried.

"Well I'm guessing from your minute proportions that you're Alice, you're the one I have to please or you're kicking me in the nuts right? And you're Kate I expect you're the one who'll be pinning me down while Alice hands my ass to me correct?" We both laughed leaning in for the usual hugs and air kisses.

I liked him already and a sideways glance at Kate said she did too.

"You're assumptions are correct, and don't let the fact that I'm qualifiedly a midget fool you, me and Kate will tag team your ass good and proper if don't toe the line, although I have a feeling you do just fine."

We chatted for a bit by the bar until Rose said that they already had a table with Bella and Edward so we should head on over. Emmett then turned to me and Kate with a mischievous grin plastered across his face.

"So here's the thing I'm kinda a busy body and I took it upon myself to bring some man candy for you ladies to fight over, his names Peter, except it looks like there's more than enough to go around cause _apparently _Edward had the same idea and felt like playing cupid too so in essence we set you up but with the best of intentions."

He finished with a slightly nervous smile, however I couldn't be mad, his efforts although pointless were harmless enough and I figured I would entertain one of the said gentlemen for the evening if it made him and Rose happy, who knows it might not even be torturous. Me and Kate tentatively approached the table now with a little more reserve than before.

I saw Bella chestnut tresses through the busy bar and pushed the few feet to the table. I slung my arm around her shoulders and kissed her cheek as we exchanged hellos. Then Rose called over the chatter as Bella and I muttered giddily, our brief exchange cut short, Rose took it upon herself to proceed with the introductions.

"So ladies obviously you know our dear friend Bella but this is Edward" He nodded his head and greeted us with more modesty than Emmett had, but he was no less friendly.

"....And this is Peter, he and Emmett have been friends since the dawn of time apparently and he works here in New York as a Sports Broadcaster." She offered Kate a wink, guessing my blind date was up next.

"...And this Jasper, him and Edward used to go to college together and stayed in touch pretty much ever since, Jasper's a photographer currently working for FLAW magazine, which means you and Alice have already had the pleasure of meeting." I stood in shock looking at him, practically catching flies, when it occurred to me than he wasn't. He wasn't surprised at all, which meant either he was completely unflappable or he knew I would be here as his prospective blind date, I suspected the latter.

"Yeah me and Jazz go _way_ back." I said glaring at Rose with a certain degree of venom, I soon switched my gaze on Bella whose eyes soon shifted. Kate was clearly not in on their little ruse because her eyes were searching mine for an explanation.

I trained my eyes on Rosalie.

"Hey Rose I notice that everyone around this table is liquored up, hows about you and me go get some drinks for me and Kate." I gave a smile to the company round the table and shoved Rose in the direction of the bar. After we scrambled our way to the queue I turned to her so she couldn't avert her gaze.

"Sneaky much? What's with the set up? I mean if you wanted this night to be the most awkward one on record we could just leave Kate with a bottle of Gin in hand until she starts telling Emmett how her biological clock is ticking and she wants her some babies like she did at her office party. However I have a feeling that this night may just top that one in its general fucktardedness."

"Ali you're a writer I expect you to express yourself a little more eloquently than that, and in answer to your question it didn't start as a great master plan."

She sighed.

"Here's the deal, Emmett wanted to set up the friends I'd been going on about for weeks in an effort to score brownie points with you guys and when I broached the idea with Bella she suggested Edward could bring a friend as well cause he's kinda shy and it might help him to have a buddy here to back him up and he'd mentioned that an old friend of his had just come back into town and he's a great guy blah blah blah, so anyways the plans were already set when Edward let on who this friend was and _we _figured that maybe it would give you chance to talk, and rekindle and you know.....have lots of sex and babies?" She said with a hopeful tone.

I tried my best to keep the mask of anger firmly placed on my face but in the back of my mind I figured despite the mess that this evening had swiftly become maybe we should get the talking underway. At least now I couldn't back out, although I wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

----∞----

It had been 55 minutes, _55 minutes,_ and Jasper had not said one word to me. And yes I timed it. Instead he was charming the pants and panties off of the entire table while making glances at me as if to make it explicit that he was very aware that I was here but that he'd handed over the ball and left it very much in my court. Except my court wanted no part in that ball, my court wanted him to take charge again, in the fashion that I had grown so accustomed to. Kate had been giving me nudges, not subtly either, to try force me into Jasper's vicinity. Edward began regaling days about how Jasper used to have these marathon pool games where they'd challenge unsuspecting people in their local bar to a game and play for money. One accusation on Edward's part that Jasper cheated and they smack talked their way over to the pool table for a rematch, Emmett and Peter in toe, throwing promises of being right back over their shoulders.

"This night had so much more drama than I had anticipated" Kate breathed out.

"Ok Ali I've been patient, in fact I've been more patient than someone should expect of such an impatient person as myself but can you just give me the full Jasper lowdown? We've just spent an hour being dazzled by his fabulousness and watching the pair of you make blatant sex eyes with each other so please tell me what he did that is so bad you aren't dragging him out of here right now to go have wild monkey sex at your apartment."

Bella sounded like she'd been holding in that very speech for the past hour and possibly even longer. Three pairs of eyes were trained on me.

"He's not this terrible person, I never wanted you to assume that, and if I fill you in now please try be discrete and avoid looking over at the table every 2 minutes...Kate I'm talking to you, I said discrete not stare at Peter's ass."

"What? It's a nice ass." We all nodded in appreciation while taking in the sight.

"Well as you know already we were living together and very much in puppy love and before we knew it, it was the end of senior year and College plans were being finalised etc. I'd got a number of offers, and a scholarship for a school her in New York but I decided to go to Washington instead because me and Jasper had both got in there and as lame as it was to do the whole his and hers college experience I felt like I'd only just found him, I wasn't all that ready for the distance just yet, the transition from living with him to being in separate dorms would be a big enough shock to the system without deciding to put that kind of mileage in our way. So anyways I guess you could say it started a couple of weeks before prom."

_Flashback...._

I was walking with Jasper by my side as we left school, I'm stayed later as I did most days to do extra work on the school newspaper. The scholarship which I had declined from New York had said that they were particularly impressed by my work on the school paper and the local newspaper; just because I had my acceptance in the bag I saw no need to not see my responsibilities through till the end. Jasper waited for me some days while others I insisted he go home. Today was not one of those days.

I was heavily absorbed in one of the posters garnishing the magnolia walls when I was disturbed from my thoughts by a jean clad Jasper sitting himself heftily on the desk littered with paper.

"Ready to go little'un?" Brought out of my haze only to be dazzled my his Cheshire cat grin. I grinned back hoping it came of somewhat alluring rather than goofy as I had suspected.

Back at the apartment I thought I'd voice my thoughts to him. The thoughts being specifically that he had not yet asked me to the prom and being his girlfriend I had assumed it was a given but there had been no mention of it.

"You know the proms in two weeks and I was just wondering if you were...you know...gonna ask me?" I looked up quickly through my lashes to gauge his reaction. His shoulders seem to be hit with a wave of tension. And a brief frown captured his face.

"Yeah I was meaning to talk to you about cause the thing is I never had any intention of going. It's not really my thing; in all honesty I was hoping to avoid it if that's ok with you. I mean if you want to go with a friend that's cool, but I think I might miss this delight."

I didn't quite know what to say. It was one of the few times we were not on the same page. It felt odd, like his explanation left more than a little to be desired. He was the school's football captain, the fact that he's be in attendance was sort of an unwritten rule. Then it occurred to me, he was expected to attend, and the person on his arm, his date for the evening, was supposed to be the head cheerleader or someone that gleamed, someone that was envied. Not Alice Brandon, newspaper whiz kid and all around nobody with the drunken estranged father. Why would someone like Jasper want to tote me round for the night, I was hardly the trophy he would have imagined on his arm.

As prom came and went and I tried my best to silence my fears, graduation had stumbled upon us and before I knew it we were sorting out hats and gowns, particularly for me because every gown they made swamped my tiny frame, while the teachers were running through a dress rehearsal with the senior year after school.

I was in one of the art classrooms on a little stool as a friend of mine Angela was currently seeing to it that my gown would not trail so immensely that I wouldn't fall, or stumble or generally do something that ended with me face first into the carpet. Angela and I weren't incredibly close but we'd sit together at lunch and she was always so kind and considerate, as was being proven by the time she'd taken out to help me with my attire. After we agreed that it looked at least in proportion on me now, I gathered up my stuff so I could get to the main hall for the run through of the following evening. We'd been given a specific seating order because some of us were given prizes for things like contributions to the school and acknowledgements of sporting achievements.

Making my way through the halls I heard voices, one in particular I recognised as it belonged to Jasper, the other was one of his jock friends, if you could even deem them friends.

"So what's the deal with you and that Brandon girl, I mean I see you two hanging out at school all the time, you're not like dating are you cause it wouldn't have thought she was your type."

"Why do you want to know Tyler?"

"Well the thing is I've been hearing things about her dad, apparently he's like a major league alcoholic, you know the type, I just wouldn't want you to get mixed up in all that. You're not exactly cut from the same cloth you and her, I mean your dads Carlisle Cullen for fucks sake and her dads....I don't know, he's the guy begging for change."

"He's not homeless Tyler, he's just fallen on hard times, look seriously it not your concern, me and Alice are friends so just leave it ok."

And I backed away, slowly at first and then I had started into a run until I was far away from horrible reminders about my dad and that word...friend. I leaned against the outside wall of the school gym with my breath heaving from running. Memories whirled around me as I saw them now with new insight, without the rose tinted hue that had obscured them previously. Nobody at school knew we lived together but that was just so I could avoid questions about my dad, but then again it was Jasper who had first suggested we not broadcast it. We didn't hold hands or act like a couple at school but we were barely in each others' classes and we both devoted so much time to extra-curricular stuff that we weren't even in each others' company long enough to indulge those kinds of fancies. I had always assumed he wasn't one for PDA and why do it in public when I could have him all to myself in the apartment. It could all be explained and rationalised away but there's a danger that you can be so quick to dismiss things that you don't see what's actually going on.

He hadn't defended me like a gallant knight, his attempt was pathetic and dismissive at best, he hadn't really defended my father, not that he fully deserved any defence but more than that he had failed to call me his, to claim me.

I wouldn't tell him I'd heard, I'd look to be invading his privacy, plus I was embarrassed as silly as it seemed. Embarrassed that I had these fantastical ideas of being embroiled in some epic love story whereby he swept me off my feet, and he had but right now it felt like he'd dropped me...hard.

The summer passed and things seemed to be making progress, he would be more obvious about us in public, still not a spectacle but there seemed to be an acknowledgement of us at least, but it didn't fully silence the nagging thoughts that plagued my mind.

College started and we decided to stay in the apartment rather than live on campus because it was convenient and in truth I wanted to be with him, I had read this as a sign that he also wanted to be with me.

It was a month or so into freshman year when we were out having lunch at the cafe on campus which was open to the public as well, I was trying to cheer him up as he'd seemed down of late and I'd stumbled upon him having heated debates a couple of times on the phone with someone I assumed to be his mother. We were sat sharing a mammoth pile of nachos when I noticed a very well dressed women entered the glass doors, her eyes searched the room, I recognised her.

I looked down trying to place the glamorous woman, scrambling through images that cluttered my head, it seemed to bother me that I couldn't solve the puzzle, it was niggling at me when I noticed that Jasper had looked up and stopped eating. He immediately looked down and hid his beautiful face as if every women's eyes weren't already trained on him, making me jealous, making me need the hand, the hand to hold. It was at these times that I needed a gesture like that, that said I don't care how many women eye fuck me I only have eyes for you 'you tiny midget you'. The hand never came instead he pushed back from the table abruptly.

"Alice we need to go I'm feeling a little shitty, like I might me sick, can we just go home? I'm sorry to cut our time short." I immediately filled with concern, reaching to place my hand on his forehead to check his temperature but he flinched away, and I think I probably winced back at the rejection. We made a quick exit passing swiftly by the bemused glamazon.

It wasn't until I we got home that the penny dropped, hitting me square around the head.

"That was your mother!" I blurted out, without thinking. Without waiting for an answer I continued.

"You're not sick are you? You just wanted to get away without seeing her....so she couldn't see me." And my voice had lost all the strength it had harboured by the end of my statement, when I had connected the glaringly obvious dots.

"Ali don't ok? It's totally not that it's just I don't want to see her right now she's fussy and controlling, although not as much so as my father, and I don't want them coming in to my life and interfering."

"What do you mean 'coming into your life' they're your parents you can't exactly cut them out of it."

"I think you're proof that that's not the case." I stumbled back a little. I saw the panic in his eyes as he realised what he'd said.

"Alice I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that I just meant that you're proof that sometimes parents don't always have a right to be part of your life, sometimes they forgo that right to a place in your life. I'm not trying to compare it it's just I'm only just getting used to them being more involved in my life again since I started college so it's not that I'm hiding you away, you're not something to be hidden."

"Then don't hide me, let me meet her, your mother, let me meet her properly. Our little play dates often involved me scuttling off to your room, half the time I doubt she even knew I was there and I never once really introduced myself. So let me introduce myself as your girlfriend."

I waited anxiously to see if he would agree, granted I wanted to formally meet his family as his girlfriend but mainly I just wanted to see if he'd actually agree to it.

"Alright you will, we'll organise it, I'll talk to her and sort it out."

And that was how it was left, it had been a month.

I wondered around the apartment having a free afternoon which meant hours to fill my mind with all of those guilty pleasures on TV that I saved for when Jasper was out because even though he'd happily watch it with me I suspect his heart wasn't in it so I decided to make it a solitary activity. I was so absorbed in my mid afternoon viewings that I didn't even hear the phone ring. Alas I figured I would let the machine get it, but the voice that rang out caught my attention.

"Jasper honey it's me, I guess you know by now I came to visit you, well your hasty exit wasn't exactly what I was hoping for but I did kind of ambush you, don't think I didn't see that girl you were with when you made your get away, it's Alice right? Am I right in thinking she's more than a friend now? It'd be nice to meet her, maybe dinner? I'm in town on the 17th if then is good? Anyways let me know."

I sat bolt upright, this was the opportunity I had been waiting for, handed on a lovely silver plate. I was giddy when Jasper got home; I pretended to be busy so I could leave the room. I wanted him to hear the message on his own so he would have the joy of asking me himself. I waited down the hall as he proceeded to do his usual ritual of disposing of his coat and keys and checking his messages.

I heard the beep, I heard the message, then I heard his footsteps.

He greeted me as always with a kiss, pulling me against his chest. I kept waiting for it. Maybe he was bidding his time. I was patient, the evening drew on, it got dark, I got ready for bed still waiting. While brushing my teeth I heard his hushed voice.

"Yeah thanks for the offer but it'll just have to be me I'm afraid, yeah I know it's a shame, she wishes she could come and if she wasn't tied up with other things she would, she said maybe another time though, uhmm right, well I'll ring you to arrange it. Speak to you soon mum, yeah bye."

It was then stood there looking at my very unexceptional self in the bathroom mirror that I stopped waiting.

I was never going to me good enough, I'd never be the girl he showed off to his parents or anyone for that matter. In fact he had never introduced me as his girlfriend, not once, because after all I was only his girlfriend inside these four walls, behind the front door that shut out preying eyes, judging eyes that would look at him and me and think "got she's lucky to have caught him". I was Robin to his illustrious Batman. It had been one thing to not acknowledge me, it was another to lie to his mother just to avoid me embarrassing him with my mere presence.

I went to bed with my head muddy and I woke with a clarity that made me feel no better. I couldn't do this. I could be his hideaway girlfriend, the guilty pleasure he only acknowledged in this solitary apartment. He had all of me, shamefully so, he have ever last drop, I was his for the taking, I had thought I had him. I didn't.

Maybe he _did_ want me, maybe even love me as he'd said but it wasn't enough for him to only love me inside this haven.

I swiftly made calls and was in discussions with the administrators in New York to see whether they could reconsider my acceptance, I told them that circumstances had changed and I could no longer be in Washington, it wasn't a lie. It wasn't enough not to be with him, to end it, because the thought of bumping in to him, of seeing him with another girl, I couldn't even face the idea in my imagination let alone the reality. He had been the only thing keeping me here and New York had been my dream for so long, a dream I gave up on for him, because I believed I would realise new dreams with him by my side. I had plans, plans that he shattered. I could see my future if I stayed. He'd carry on with me until he found the girl that would meet the approval of his parents and I would be forgotten and then one day I'd read the announcement in the local paper that they were engaged. I had to try and exercise some semblance of control.

I procrastinated in the hope I would see some signs of change, that there would be some big reveal that proved he was everything I had needed him to be. I procrastinated until the 17th. For some reason, maybe because I'm a masochist I felt some morbid curiosity as to how he would excuse himself for the night, what would he say to evade me suspicion.

"Hey you fancy going out tonight just me and you?" I had said, waiting for the answer, dreading its inevitable insincerity.

"Wish I could Alley cat but I agreed to get together with some guys from my course for a few drinks and maybe some greasy food." He replied. And he smiled; he actually smiled at me as he was lying through his teeth. He lied with worrying ease, it reminded me so much of when my father had first started drinking and there were a whole host of easily delivered excuses, I had believed them at first, and the heart breaking thing is if I had not overheard where he actually intended to go I would have believed Jasper as well. I never thought him capable of lying. Not to me.

I would leave that night.

I couldn't stay.

New York had accepted.

I packed a bag.

I wrote a note.

It said I had been happy but that I felt he wasn't; that I knew this wasn't what he wanted and I didn't want to hold him back. It said that I had a right to be with someone who embraced me and that I couldn't find that with him. I had wished him the customary future happiness. Finally it said that I loved him more than he would probably ever realise.

I had snuck one last look at him, part of me wishing that he's stir and tell me I had it wrong, that he wanted forever with me, I knew he wouldn't. His beautiful face resting against the pillow, his lashes fluttered, I closed the door unable to hold myself together any longer if I stayed and stared, I turned before I had chance to reconsider, before I shredded the note and unpacked my things.

I reached the door, smelling his coat one last time before I left.

_End of Flashback..._

I looked around at the girls faces. It was Rosalie who spoke.

"She was so damn fragile when she got here, it's probably not the story you expected guys less drama and all that, but it was never about him being the bad guy, he just couldn't help her or protect her the way she needed. And she did need that from him. After her dad and..h..her mother she needed him to keep her safe from heartache and sadness, but he was too young and selfish, and I guess he fashioned as the straw that broke the camel's back."

I looked down while she spoke, it was true, and that's why I confided in Rosalie because right from the start she seemed to understand. Kate took my hand and spoke.

"That's so sad Ali, I always figured he'd cheated or done one of the cardinal sins but this is kinda worse, or more sad somehow cause I believe he probably wanted to love you in the way you needed but he got in his own way, if he'd been unfaithful we could have just written him off as a dick and had done with it but this explanation has me reeling...is there no way you can talk to him and forgive him? I mean like Rose said he was so young and stupid, when you're 19 you screw most things up, it's pretty much a life lesson in what not to do."

"Part of me, you know the insane part, thinks yeah, let's talk and thrash it out and maybe then we can be something more than this but the other part of me realises that those thoughts are just that little bit to hopeful."

"Oh shit they're coming back, pretend to talk about something" Bella uttered keeping her voice low.

"Another round ladies?" Emmett's voice boomed over our mock conversation.

"This one's on me, I want you to join me in a celebratory toast cause I just kicked Eddie boy's ass." Jasper laughed while clapping an arm around Edward's shoulder.

"Yeah well I'm out of practice, I bet you had plenty of time to brush up on your skills while you were swanning round Europe, some of us have real jobs Jazz you know." Edward flushed a light pink, revealing his embarrassment. His understated manner made him seem quite shy but as tonight had proved he could easily loosen up around friends.

"Deep burn Edward, but don't worry I'd love the pleasure of beating you again anytime you want a rematch." Jasper's eyes looked at everyone but at me, slightly jealous for the umpteenth time in the evening, I wanted those eyes trained on me.

"Hey Ali you fancy giving me a hand with the drinks?" That's when he finally looked at me, his full mega watt smile and sparkling green eyes searing in to me. I was so very, very screwed.

I offered him a smile as I lead the way to the bar, throwing my arms over the counter once I got there and managing to look at everything that wasn't his piercing green eyed stare.

Finally once I realised he was waiting for me to break the awkward silence that had muscled it's way in, I figured I'd take charge, better than always being on the receiving end of his choices, always caught off guard.

"So you're stalking me now? I have to say it's very unbecoming." I looked at him with the same degree of intensity that he was throwing my way.

"Well if Mohammed won't come to the mountain..." and I saw the edges of his mouth curl up in a grin.

"Well _maybe _Mohammed didn't fancy a trip to the mountain,_ maybe _the mountain should learn to take a hint, did you ever think of that huh?" yes it was retarded, and yes it was slightly rude but fresh from my full disclosure with my friends I was feeling a little catty.

"You do know that what you just said makes fuck all sense right?" he chuckled; he was infuriating, why couldn't he just be offended and flounce off.

Then he moved to press his body flush against me, all that separated us was the thin fabric of our clothes. I barely contained a gasp.

"And I think we both know from past experience that _Mohammed _has enjoyed many a trip up the mountain." He said in a voice that resembled a growl, he was throwing the same retarded shit back to me that I'd said to him and somehow it sounded so appealing that I had to use all the self respect I could muster not to drag him to the exit and back to my bed.

"You never called. You've been avoiding me....._I missed you."_ He whispered into my ear, his lips brushed the crook of my neck. I closed my eyes and bit my lip and waited for him to completely overpower me.

They the barman intruded the moment by placing the round of drinks down in front of me. Jasper muttered a thanks and I just kept my head down.

I carried a random selection of drinks to the table as Jasper swiftly followed. I greeted my friends with a smile and placed them down.

"Guys it's been great but I have a big presentation to go to in the morning and if I stay out any later it's fairly certain I'll be pooped for tomorrow but we should do this again, really, Edward, Emmett it was nice to meet you, and don't worry you both passed." I finished with a smile while putting on my coat. I gave Rose, Bella and Kate hugs and turned to leave only to be greeted with Jasper's rigid face.

"Goodbye Jasper" I said averting my eyes.

"Actually I'm in that same presentation so I should probably be heading out as well, we can share a taxi, I'll make sure she gets home safe girls." He looked at my friends for permission to which they all nodded readily.

I shoved my way to the door just wanting to be out of his presence, away from the pull he had over me, barging through the door I felt the rain hit my face, cooling my flush cheeks.

I looked up to the sky, I felt him behind me.

His breathing was heavy. He strode past me to the cab that waited lined up on the corner. Pulling open the door he said. "Get in!"

Before I had chance to think about why my legs were carrying me towards the warmth of the cab, I was settled inside, grateful of the shelter. He gave what I presumed was his address to the driver. I guess we were dropping him off first, although I'm pretty sure mine was the first stop. As we weaved in and out of the busy lanes I trained my eyes on the raindrops adorning the window. The cab jerked to a halt while Jasper threw some money at the driver, more than was necessary, and got out.

I leaned for to the driver and said. "We'll be making another stop..."

"No we won't." Jasper had opened my door, grasping my hand and pulled me gently but with force from the car.

I ran beside him to keep up to his strides as we went through the doors of the lobby and over to the lifts, the marble floor spattered with a sheen of water nearly causing me to fall if not for his firm grip. Stopping outside the lifts only briefly before the gold doors opened to reveal plush red carpet and 3 walls of mirrors reflecting the sight of mine and Jasper's clasped hands back at me. Had it not been for the purpose with which he walked and the grip he had the gesture could have been mistaken for intimate. The doors pinged open to a black tiled floor which had seen several coats of polish recently and to a corridor of doors, we stopped outside his. He didn't fumble with the key, he didn't fumble with anything, he was Jasper the unflappable after all.

The apartment was beautiful, hardwood floors, high ceilings and open plan to emphasis the copious amounts of space at his disposal. While marvelling over the interior he dropped my hand to shake of his coat, walking the span of the open plan living room and dining room, only to sling it on the back of a bespoke armchair.

"So I guess you can add abduction to that stalking accusation." He said it with his back to me, I suppose it was meant to lighten the tension but his tone betrayed him and all it did was intensify it.

"You make it so hard Ali, all I want from you...damn it all I ask is to talk to you and you ignore me like a child."

"Well if I'm so childish why the hell would you want to talk to me?" he turned around, I had successfully grabbed his attention without even meaning to. His eyes were blazing, like something was brimming under the surface waiting to spill, or explode.

"Don't you dare turn this back on me, you're not squabbling with me just so you can avoid discussing this." He was approaching me, drawing nearer, it was intimidating but I had to stand my ground.

"It was ten years ago, what do you want me to say huh? I was 19 and impulsive and shit happens." My voice rose at the interrogation.

"BULLSHIT." He roared, and I can honestly say I have never seen anyone more angry in my entire life, put there was something else, something like hurt...and I knew I'd put it there. He continued before I had time to respond.

"You...left me." His voice broke and I knew I had to say something.

"You didn't give me a choice." Our eyes locking in that moment proved whatever had been between us ten years ago was still here.

Remembering the conversation with the girls earlier that night I found my own anger peaking and rearing its head.

"I wasn't about to be your hideaway girlfriend, now I'm sure many girls would have gladly been happy with that but I couldn't, I wasn't about to except the conditional affection you threw my way, not...not when I loved you so much, leaving wasn't even remotely easy for me, I waited praying you'd show some sign that I wasn't some consolation prize, some part time girlfriend, for indoor use only." At first he looked confused not seeming to process what I was saying, what I was accusing him of, but as he pieced together the sentiment behind my words his anger decided to make another appearance.

"When did I ever treat you like a consolation prize?" He was incredulous.

"Oh I don't know maybe when you decided against ever holding my hand or acknowledging _us _in public, or maybe it was when you virtually denied being with me to Tyler, or when you decided you were too embarrassed to be seen with me at prom in front of all your jock friends and their counterpart blow up doll girlfriends with shit for brains. Or maybe it was when you lied to your motherbecause it was easier than to acknowledge you were with the daughter of a drunken lunatic. And if you want to know what did it, what made me leave, the fucking straw that broke the camel's back, that all but broke me, it was when you lied to _me, _all the other stuff paled in comparison to that. You looked at me and just lied like it was second nature, now go ahead lie to Tyler, and the assholes at school, lie to your mother for all I care but you will _NOT _lie to me, I saw you in a whole different light in that moment, you immediately became the guy who could break my heart, who broke my heart."

I wasn't till I took a breath that I felt the tears cold, running down my cheeks.

"The irony is I probably could have stayed if I'd loved you less." I said with a humourless chuckle.

He looked wounded, no longer indignant, dismounted from his high horse. His eyes scanning the floor, searching for something. The cool air of the apartment dusting my tear stained cheeks, making me shiver, and feeling very on show.

"And in all those months, while you were busy jumping to your own conclusions you never thought to ask me why? You were busy hurting and I could have taken it all away if you had just asked." He was calmer now, tentative even, I expect still shocked at my outburst.

"I didn't want explanations Jasper, despite how plausible your answers may have been, I didn't want you filling my head with bullshit just to get me to stay."

"Since you didn't think to hear what I had to say then I think it's about time you hear it...I didn't go to prom because despite being the golden boy I hated school, every minute of it, you were the only thing making it bearable. And I knew what they thought, my supposed _friends_, I knew what they thought of you, if you and me would have gone together to prom or clarified what Tyler was saying you'd have been in for a world of shit from them all, they were vicious, gossiping vultures and I wasn't about to throw you to them, to make your school life a living hell, like they'd made mine. When the shit hit the fan with my mother's affair they were...less than forgiving let's say, and I knew admitting to us meant everything would come out, not just about you and me but sooner or later someone would figure out we were living together and questions would be asked and your dad's _problem_ wouldn't be a secret anymore. It may not have seemed gallant or brave but in all honesty I thought I was protecting you, from them, and from my world.

"And that goes for my mother as well. One night after you came round my dad called me into his office and decided he wanted a little chat we me. He told me that he saw the way I looked at you and it wasn't to be _tolerated-"_ He looked down before continuing, seemingly embarrassed, it peaked my interest; I waited for him to go on.

"He said he'd allowed us to be friends all the while it seemed harmless but he didn't want me with you, apparently one night at the hospital he'd been asked to stitch up some guys arm, not his usual bag but he was doing rounds, the guy had got into a bar fight, some of the nurses explained to my dad that he'd been here before after numerous other drunken brawls brought in my some person or another, the guy was your dad." He paused; I started to understand where he was going with his little trip down memory lane.

"Once he found out you were his daughter he started to watch me closely, he said he didn't want our family name tarnished anymore than it already had been, I hadn't understood what he'd meant, until a few days later when I found out about the affair. I didn't want you anywhere near that man, if I let you meet my mother that meant he'd find out, that would have meant an end to the apartment, to the haven where I could forget the world and be with you. To him it was never personal it was reality, he thought girls like you were meant to stay in some stuffy little town, seeing out their days stacking selves with some ungrateful husband. He didn't see how brilliant you were, how brilliant you are. I was scared he would frighten you away, ruin things, I wanted to keep you safe from his ignorance, but selfishly I didn't want you to see him and think that the apple didn't fall far from the tree, in case you thought it wasn't worth the risk and left me. The irony huh?" He finished with a bitter smile.

I felt light headed. There it was the other side I never thought I'd hear. All the things we'd left unsaid that had we said them earlier, had we quashed each others' distorted versions of events a decade earlier maybe things would be strikingly different. All the things he'd said, I would never have considered them and I knew why.

"I don't think I ever considered, in all those months that there would be an explanation that meant that you still loved me, that you really loved me. It was easier to believe that the beautiful boy from round the way never gave a shit to begin with, it made more sense, I mean why would you have wanted me?" I was tearing up again.

He approached me, his concern contorting his features into a pained expression. He held my gaze, and I was trembling.

"You were the most perfect thing I ever laid eyes on, from the first moment I read one of your articles in the paper I was enraptured, I'd wait every week for the Sunday paper to come out so I could read your column. You were so tiny and beautiful, I wanted to protect you from everything and anyone, including my father, and the jocks, and from the wrath of their blow up doll girlfriends." He said with a smile, and he was incredibly close now, and even with my staggering heels I barely reached above his shoulder. His proximity still having the same effect on me that it had when I had been only an inexperienced teenager.

"You were everything, you were mine...you still are." He challenged me with his steely light eyes, gauging my reaction.

I slowly pushed up on my tip toes, leaning in to him, inhaling him unashamedly. I matched his gaze. "I'm yours? Prove it!"

The utterance barely made it out my mouth before he crushed me up against the door, his lips connected with my own and we both groaned. His teeth gently tugged at my bottom lip, the way I liked it, he hadn't forgotten. Then a swipe of his tongue along my top lip, tracing the curve, I rewarded him with a moan that I didn't care to contain. My tongue met his, and it was so surreal and wonderful and hot, and every part of me was on fire. The kisses we passionate, anything but tentative, his hands that had been clutching at my waist were swiftly making their way down my back, grazing over my ass only to pick me up, I quickly wrapped my bare legs around his strong torso. The layers of clothes became infuriating once I felt his straining erection pressing into my centre. I needed skin. Apparently he did too, because he began pushing my jacket off, discarding it to floor.

He pushed away from the door carrying me to what I presume was his bedroom, although I was too lost in Jasper to notice. My eager hands found his top button, and I made quick work of the rest, ripping the shirt away from his chest. Pulling back from him to gaze at him fully, my eyes trailed from his lightly tanned pecks down his contoured stomach, to the trail of hair that led to his cock, which was currently straining against the fabric of his pants. I dismounted from his tall frame, my hands reached out to touch him, to the beautiful soft skin that stretched across his powerful chest. Running my hands down his defined abs I dared to venture lower through the dusting of hair.

My hand didn't waste much time with his buckle, I unclasped it and tugged his pants and boxers down in one pull. He kicked of any remaining garments as I stared hungrily at his body, at his cock, that stood proud and thick from between his strong thighs.

Finally separating my eyes from his body I gazed back up at his face, his smile mischievous.

"You gonna stand there and eye fuck me some more, or are you gonna do something about it?"

Before I had the chance to show my mock outrage he pulled me in for another passionate kiss. I shoved him back feeling bolder. Grasping the hem of my dress, I lifted it over my head revealing the lace underwear underneath. His eyes gave me a long once over before I lifted his chin with my fingertips.

"Now whose eye fucking who huh?" he grinned at me before pushing us down to the huge king sized bed.

He loomed over me, all power and muscle and warmth. His mouth moved from my own to my neck, where he peppered feather light teasing kisses from my ear to my collarbone. His mouth soon made its way further south as his tongue licked between the valley of my breasts, causing a moan to once again leave my mouth. He looked up at me with a glint in his eye that was unmistakably Jasper.

"You know these past weeks I've wanted you so bad, I don't think there was a time when I didn't go home and have to jack off thinking of you, just like this, smooth and perfect, laid out before me, that little moan you have, I remember it. I think it's my favourite sound in the whole fucking world."

He was inching down as he spoke and I could barely process what he was saying for the anticipation and the visuals he was giving me. His hands pulled on the sides of my underwear slowly pulling them from my body as he softly blew on my centre, loving the soft moans it provoked from me. Then he touched his lips lightly to my hipbone, trailing his kisses down to my core. Then when I thought I couldn't take the teasing anymore he licked from the bottom to the top of my centre, his skilled tongue then circling the clit, then sucking it between his supple lips. He knew exactly what worked for me and he was using it to his advantage, and definitely to mine. He continued his oral attack on me before I simply couldn't take it anymore. I pulled him up to face me.

"What's the matter Alley cat don't you like it?" He said teasingly. His Cheshire cat grin firmly in place.

"Oh I love it, but I want you inside me when I cum." The grin wiped off his face, and he growled. He forgot that he wasn't the only one with a dirty mouth.

All but ripping off my bra he swiftly replaced the delicate lace with his strong hands, teasing the nipple and causing us to moan simultaneously. I could feel his cock, hard and thick against my body but I needed more, I needed him.

Then in a painfully slow motion he pushed into me, looking right into my eyes his hand gently nestled in my hair. It became too much for us both as our eyes fluttered closed. Our sweat covered chests heaving against each other, our arms wound around one another feeling every single inch of him against me and inside of me.

He questioned my eyes to continue, with my confirmation he started to thrust slowly inside me, his lips once again sought out mine. His thrusts quickened as my hands gripped his ass to push him deeper and faster, unable to get enough.

I felt it build starting in my stomach, where it spread.

"Shit Jazz, oh fuck." My eyes fluttered closed, losing all control.

His hand made its way between us finding my clit, rubbing circles on it, urging me on as he grunted into my neck. Then I lost it, as I moaned out and my walls clenched around him spurring him on as he groaned loudly into my neck again, and thrust one last time before he collapsed on top of me. His head still sheltered in the crook of my neck, he whispered.

"Fuck Ali I love you....that was...fuck."

We both gasped for air as he rolled off me only to pull my tiny body into his huge frame, encompassing me inside his strong arms, and that's how sleep took hold of me, with me safe and sound in his arms once again and his whispered _I love you _playing on my mind.

**Hope this chapter was worth the wait, and as always any thoughts would be appreciated, coming up next the morning after :) x**


	11. The Right Side of the Bed

**Right first with the apologies for disserting this for a while, dissertations **** and assignments were calling and I had to take a breather to get them done. Hopefully I'll be able to update weekly but I can't promise that until June when I'm done with all my deadlines and exams, I will try though. Anyways a big thank you to those that reviewed, or put this story on alert or added it to your favourites, its great to know you are enjoying it and I appreciate the support, so enough rambling on to chapter 11…. **

Chapter 11 – The Right Side of the Bed

The incessant noise of the alarm clock was one bitch slap of a wake up call. Prising my eyes open I was greeted with the influx of light from the expansive floor to ceiling windows, it seemed to burn my retinas, a sure sign that I probably hadn't had enough sleep. Probably was right, as the nights events flooded my brain reminding me that the apartment I found myself was not my own, and neither was the bed.

The bed which I had shared with Jasper last night, the bed we'd had sex in…twice. Apparently the first round tired us out, although not thoroughly, as we both stirred during the early hours indulging in round two.

I sat up and reached to shut off the screeching sound of the alarm, which I now firmly believed to be possessed by some form of demonic entity. In my lacklustre attempt to end the auditory torture I didn't notice the body stir beside me. Jasper's arms encircled my body and retrieved the alarm clock shutting it off with ease and setting it on the side. He stayed close, resting his chin on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck.

"Morning." He whispered. My eyes closed cherishing the intimacy, and the safeness of the bed, the room, the apartment, where everything was warm and simple while secretly dreading the confusion and scrutiny that lay waiting for us once we exited the safe haven and entered back into the real world. We'd made decisions, and I by no means regretted them but there had been no acknowledgement of consequence brought about by hastily made choices. It was all waiting to be discussed, waiting to propel us into an inevitable question and answer session to address what this meant, where this left us, how this changes everything.

"So I guess you're freaking out." It wasn't a question; he had always been able to sense my apprehension. He sighed.

"We have a lot to talk about Alice but don't what ever you do…don't shut me out cause you're scared." I nodded in answer to his request. As real life reminders started to filter in I recalled that before we could deal we any of this we had actual commitments to uphold.

"Shit the meeting, we need to get moving or we'll be late, you shower first I'll go second and try grab something for us to each in the meantime." I said, clearly flustered as I tried to gather my discarded clothing.

"Why don't you join me? It'll be quicker, then I can make you breakfast." He said pulling me towards him. I was curled in a sheet trying to retain some semblance of modesty, while he stood there wearing nothing but a grin that betrayed his true intention.

"I think we both know that me joining you is not the quicker solution, now go…cleanse thy self." I disentangled myself from his limbs and continued in pursuit of my clothes.

After finding the majority of my attire I quickly threw on Jasper's crumpled shirt while heading to the kitchen; trying not to dwell upon notions of déjà vu or the comfort of an old morning routine thought to be long since forgotten. Riffling through the mass of cupboard space to stumble upon anything that could suffice as a healthy breakfast, I finally settled on toast and scrambled eggs, eating mine as I made it so as to save time. Just as I was plating up Jasper's food he strolled in looking fresh and clean, and as tempting as always, I averted my eyes so as not to be caught staring, even as I did it I realised the idiocy seen as in mere hours earlier in his plush bedroom I'd been straddling him. Modesty and decorum be damned. I gazed at him to find him presumably lost in thought, as he stood motionless surveying the scene before him, taking in the hearty breakfast, as I suddenly occurred to me I might have over stepped the mark. He shrugged off the look of trepidation with a shake of his now lowered head and by the time he glanced up again his smile was back in place.

"Shower's all yours Alley cat; wow this looks good, you're too good to me." He grinned as I handed him his plate.

"Well I'll be quick, I made coffee as well if you want it, I wasn't sure if you still drink it but it's there anyways if you do." God the rambling and the cruel irony of being someone who is praised for her literary eloquence as a writer but yet can't manage to deliver in actual speech. I darted for his bedroom.

"Oh and Ali figured you might need these." And with that he threw my lace panties at me without even looking in my direction, however smirking into his breakfast.

I caught them and turned on my heal, hiding the blush that swiftly rose to my cheeks, and seemed to permanently stain.

---∞---

As Jasper and I walked through the corridors of the office, I kept trying to steal glances at my appearance in the glass windows to reassure myself that I didn't look like a trampy whore who screwed her work colleague the night before. Luckily I had the sense and the foresight to always pack make up essentials in my clutch, not out of vanity, purely because on one ill fated evening when I was going to meet a date I got caught in the mother of all April showers, in May no less, and more than a few touch ups would have been necessary to salvage my drowned rat-like appearance. So with no smudged mascara in sight I felt slightly more at ease, however strolling in wearing last nights outfit felt a little grubby; and I knew Bella for one would know this was no ordinary stroll through the office, no this my friend was known as the walk of shame.

With little drama we made it to the meeting, however there wasn't time for discussion before it started so I just took a seat next to Bella, with Jasper on my right.

I managed to pretend I was paying attention for the better part of Aro's pep talk until I felt Jasper fingertips tracing lines on my outer thigh. I chanced a glance in his direction but he seemed to be intently focused on Aro. If it hadn't have felt so good I could have feigned offence. He asserted more pressure, pressing his palm nearer to my inner thigh now, I looked at the desk unable to meet anyone's gaze for fear I'd out myself to the entire staff. As his hands ventured upwards Aro directed his attentions on me.

"So Alice I have a proposition for you, it's kind of last minute, but if there's anyone who works well under pressure it's you." I laughed at the sentiment; he didn't know the half of it. At this I discretely slapped Jasper's wandering hand away.

"Well as some of you already know our newest member to the team, Jasper Whitlock, is holding a small exhibit next week of a collection he's been working on, naturally I expect you all to be there in a show of support, not that you need it Jasper, anyway I was thinking that it would be great if we could cover the event, which is where I would employ your services Alice. I figured you could interview the attendees, critics you know the spiel and of course our very own Jasper here, it would be a small piece so hopefully it wouldn't absorb too much of your time."

I sat in mild shock; I had known nothing of the event, or the collection, although to be frank I had been avoiding him so no such opportunity for discussion had been provided.

"I'd be glad to, what is the actual date for this?"

"It'll be next Friday if I'm not mistaken, that won't prove a problem will it?" He enquired.

"Not at all sir, I'll make a note of it." Not long after the meeting finished up and I turned to Jasper.

"Next time we have a meeting all I ask is that you keep your hands where I can see them, no getting fresh with me you little perv." I hissed, to which he sniggered.

"Dully noted, now I was thinking we could have lunch, just to talk I promise." I gave him a scrutinising stare.

"Okay, meet me at my desk at half 12." With that I left the room and made my way to my desk.

"Well my, my, my Miss Brandon I do believe those are last nights clothes, something you want to share with your good old pal Bella?" I groaned internally as I heard the mock southern belle act and the barely restrained giggling of my friend.

Walking over to my desk, quickly surveying the room to check no one had over heard, I sat myself beside a very smug Bella.

"Ok before you start the interrogation we both know that if I tell anyone the details before Rose there is a very significant possibility that one or both of us will be skinned, so how's about we save the discussion for later?"She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Later? God vague much, no, no, no I want times, I want dates! So when am I pencilling you in for?" mirroring her earlier gesture my hazel eyes narrowed at my enquiring friend.

"Ok just come round tonight, bring wine, oh and you're not getting the deets for free missy I expect a fair trade off, so bring your Edward stories as well." She laughed and nodded.

----∞----

Twelve o'clock arrived and brought with it a scrumptious looking Jasper. Prompt as always, he waited for me as I finished up.

Slyly Bella looked over from her desk.

"Hey Jasper, trust you got home okay last night?"She said brazen and meddlesome as ever.

"Yeah, I'm a big boy Bella don't you worry about me." He said smiling and indulging her, playing along for her amusement while yawning briefly.

"Oh Jasper you're not tired are you? Come to think of it you don't look that well rested." She said, now coming to stand near us, homing in on her prey.

"Well I'm all ready, let's head out Jazz." I said urgently trying to usher him anywhere in the realm of the exit, however manoeuvring his solid frame without his co-operation proved difficult.

"Yeah you know you're right Bella I do feel a little rough today, probably cause I didn't get much in the way of sleep last night is all." Leaving only a slight pause as he started moving to leave, that had me foolishly thinking I was home free before continuing.

"Or maybe I'm tired from rocking Ali's world last night……..twice. Anyways Bells it's been great and tell Edward I said hi and that I'll probably see him sometime this week." Waving as he pulled me towards the door to leave, we left a mutually stunned and amused Bella to ponder his disclosure. I didn't bother reprimanding him for it; it wasn't like I wouldn't be filling them in on the specifics later, no use in playing coy.

Once we were in the lift, alone as before, I turned to him.

"Pretty confident over there Casanova, I mean what exactly has you so sure you 'rocked my world'? Kinda presumptuous really." I looked over to him as he laid his head back against the mirrored wall with a grin.

"_Oh Jazz, oh my god, right there….don't stop…oh." _He dramatized, doing what I presume to be his impression of my voice that was surprisingly on point, and then looking at me with a grin that spread to display two straight rows of pearly whites and an obvious sense of self satisfaction. A blush just about reached my cheeks but I wasn't about to acknowledge it.

"Oh that's the way I always sound when I fake it." I shrugged not looking in his direction.

The utterance had not even had time to fester before I found myself up against the mirrored wall with a supple pair of lips attached to my own. His lips pulled my bottom lip into his mouth just barely, and repeated the same attention on my top lip, slow and torturous before his tongue entered my mouth deepening the kiss. I met every swipe of his tongue with fervour, using my hands that had nestled into his hair to pull him closer, while his traced my curves, so slight in his touch. I was panting soon, and moaning into his mouth before he pulled away just as the doors dinged.

"Try fake that princess." He said and exited the lift without another word.

----∞----

After we were firmly seated at the same riverside café I often frequented with my father and all the formalities had been observed I saw no need to evade the obvious topic of discussion. I sipped my drink before saying my piece.

"So we had sex huh? Being honest it was probably inevitable, and I'm not here to 'let you down easy' or call this a 'mistake' but we have to figure out where we are now, because we kinda shat where we eat you know, with working together and sleeping together. It's a mess of hugely sticky proportions and I just need to know what you're thinking I guess."

"I think you know what I think and what I want, I think this is about you, I think it's about you figuring out what _you_ want, and no it wasn't a mistake." He said staring me down, almost accusatory.

"What I think it is I need time to process, a few days maybe to really think about what it would mean if it wasn't just a one time thing, and despite how sure you seem to be I think you should take the time to figure out what you _really _want as well, I know you think you know but I mean really consider it and then I think we should meet up to discuss it when we've both done that." I looked at him to decipher his response.

"Okay, how about we talk about it on the night of my opening that gives us both a good amount of time to draw up little lists of pros and cons and agonise before coming to are original conclusion anyway." He smiled at me, he was joking, but still I could feel the disappointment in his demeanour that wished I would have all the answers today but I owed it to us to do this right that meant no more assumptions and jumping to rash decisions.

As we left the café he leaned in to hug me, a proper, all consuming, engulfing hug before kissing me on the cheek. As I watched him walk away I silenced the voice that wanted to halt him in his tracks, the voice that told me that the only direction Jasper should be walking is towards me, the voice that said that I didn't need time to figure out what I want, that at 29 I'm old enough to know what true love looks like…it looks like Jasper.

-----∞----

Kate bustled in my open plan kitchen diner to find the conversation already underway as Bella, Rose and I sprawled across the worktops, holding glasses of wine that were being continually topped up. Without saying a word she dumped her bags down, went over to the glass cabinet where I kept the wine glasses and hopped up on the counter next to Bella who was holding the bottle of wine, or more specifically _one _of the bottles.

"Right so what did I miss, catch me up." Kate said grinning from ear to ear, eager to play her part as avid listener as she thrust her empty glass towards Bella.

Bella topped her up and spoke first to put her out of her misery and dish the dirt. "Of what we know so far, there was fun…of the adult variety…twice."

"And we suspect there may have been nudity." Offered Rose, Kate cooed at their musings.

As we entered into a discussion about the dynamics of the event, with my best efforts to preserve as much for my personal memory bank as possible, the conversation turned to mine and Jasper's talk today.

"I'm not chicken shitting out of this guys before you say that that is the motivation for not jumping back into bed with him, it's not, I just realised that we both were pretty broken after the last time and I don't know if I am completely confident in risking a second encounter with that kind of pain, and I don't want to hurt him either, I'm not saying no I just thinking if we're gonna do this then shouldn't we be sure, I don't want him thinking that it seemed like a swell idea last night but that he doesn't actually want anything more and now he's obligated to continue down this road just because of one hot headed choice. I want him to want this, like in the harsh light of day when reality hits and all that shit, I want him to want it then, I want him to still what me…us even after he's weighed up all the monstrous shit that could become of it." I felt myself welling up, and I'm not sure if it was the wine or the simple fact that him rejecting me made me feel nauseas that had me acting all emotional but soon enough my posse of three had jumped down off their countertops and stationed themselves around me, offering a four way bear hug.

----∞----

As I looked at the contents of my expansive wardrobe I stood in my underwear before my three best friends who had insisted they come round to discuss outfit choices for Jasper's opening tonight. Discuss was not exactly the appropriate term I suppose, this was more a rescue mission, of the wardrobe kind. The planned outfit designed to dazzle Jasper was missing in action, after being lent to Bella who could not find it and so she was bringing round replacements as a clear admission of guilt that she'd got me flustered on a night that I wished to be fluster free. Here I was stood half naked while preparing to tell Jasper I wanted everything he had to give which would prove to be far more revealing than my current state of undress and would undoubtedly make me feel far more vulnerable.

"Ok so we're thinking the white, long sleeved, structured shouldered, mini, with nude platform Louboutin's, with my hair curly with a whole lotta volume?" I asked hoping we'd come to some agreement as they had been bickering about my outfit choice for 15 minutes now, dressing me up in different combinations and asking me to twirl. The three heads facing me nodded vehemently with broad grins.

Much preening later, I was complete, receiving appreciative smiles from my friends as they shuffled me out of the door and into the awaiting taxi.

Bella had declared to them that they should all come to Jasper's opening earlier in the week, spouting bullshit about providing support and being my emotional rock, or rocks. I scoffed but couldn't deter them from having a front row seat to my could be humiliation. At this stage I just hoped they didn't bring popcorn.

I was quite in the ride to the venue; I had to go into work mode at least until all the necessary people had been brown nosed and interviewed, it was important for the magazine that I write a solid article but more than that it was important to Jasper, I wanted to represent his night properly for him.

Upon arrival at the converted warehouse in Greenwich village; I saw gatherings of people entering the building holding booklets, people from work, Edward, Emmett and Garratt but no Jasper.

We walked over to the little huddle the boys had formed and Edward gave me a knowing look. Despite that, or the flurry of conversation going on around me I settled for concentrating on not shitting my pants at the prospect of Jasper telling me "it not you it's me" or something equally reminiscent of a dagger to the heart. Somewhere in between successfully not shitting myself and my neuroses at the thought of rejection we were ushered into the building and handed glasses of champagne or to give it its true name, Dutch courage.

The floors we stone and perfectly aged while the walls were veneered with flawless white paint that reflected every glimmer of light. Stood in some kind of annex to the main room, which was through a large open archway, we all looked over to find Aro calling people to attention with none other than Jasper stood to his side.

"Good evening everyone, I won't keep you long because I know you are all eager to see what awaits but I would like to introduce the fine young man responsible for the beautiful art you will see here tonight. Having travelled the world at the humble age of twenty nine, shooting for Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Nova and Attitude Jasper Whitlock has come to reside here in New York where we are lucky enough to have him as a permanent fixture. Tonight he will unveil to you a collection closer to his heart, with snapshots of his own life that our truly beautiful. Jasper would you like to tell us in a few words the inspiration for these works?" Aro finished looking adoringly at Jasper, if slightly in awe.

"Well I guess you could call it the lives and loves of Jasper Whitlock, it's a purely indulgent collection of the things that matter most to me taken over a number of years, I tried to capture the essence of the people, places and things featured so it translates to you all, I hope people will draw parallels between the prints and themselves, this is my scrapbook if you will, I hope you enjoy it, thank you all so much for coming." He tilted his head down, the picture of humility, and I found myself eager to see the collection, pushing people was obviously not appropriate behavior for this event but a nudge or two wouldn't hurt to get myself to the front, I was technically here on business after all.

I scanned the room, making a mental check of the people I planned to talk to in order to inform the article and decided prior to the big emotional reveal I would attend to that set of duties. A stalling tactic it may be but none the less I had agreed to do it so I would have to follow through, if for no other reason than the fact that Aro had already started flamboyantly mouthing instructions to me from across the room while nodding his head in the direction of the key targets to corner.

I walked into the vast room with the rest of my fellow attendees and was instantly floored, firstly due to the quantity of work but secondly by some of the larger more vivid pieces taking up residence on the stretching white walls. Forgetting momentarily I was here under the guise of doing my job or even that this was all merely procrastinating from the task at hand, which remained to be my talk with Jasper, I found myself pulled across the room to one of the pieces and routed to the spot in front of it. The scene depicted was of a room, it seemed to be taken from the perspective of the adjacent balcony. The photograph was basked in light that was suggestive of the summers you only experienced in coastal European towns. Framed by the rustic wooden shutters, the room was simple, the floor tiled, rendered walls flushed in terracotta were home to photos and tearings from publications. It was Jasper, unmistakably, unequivocally Jasper.

Pushed against the far wall was a cast iron bed covered by white bedding that was crumpled on the left side of the mattress, and creaseless to the right. The right side of the bed where I used to take up residence next to him, untouched and empty. In my musing something occurred to me, tugging at me despite my need to ignore it. And the thought that pestered me, the thought that I would never utter to another soul? Had he left it that way for me, for my return into his life, not consciously, not a deliberate effort, but rather had it felt wrong on some level for him to venture over to that side of the bed as it had done for me. It had taken me months to dip my toe into the cold sheets of the other side of the suddenly never ending bed that I knew I would never fill without his presence.

The continental snapshot of Jasper's life, a million miles away, captured a moment in time that I would never know with him. Determination stirred within me. This room was littered with moments I could never recapture with him, I would never know the Mediterranean room where he slept on the left side of the bed cloaked only in the thin white sheet, but there was possibility, the chance of things I could know, with him. Just being here tonight made that possibility that much more tangible. If he would let me, I would commit myself to creating those moments that would line a million more walls.

After listening to every revered critic or authority on the subject gush over Jasper and his collection I was free to wander and wonder, occasionally stopping to talk to friends. The nonchalance act was bullshit of course; I had been scouting out Jasper from my peripherals for the past 15 minutes. There was champagne and glorified finger food for the taking, in my state of pent up anxiety I was clutching my third glass, giving the server a 'don't go there look' when he face to suggest he disapproved of my indulgence in sparkling liquid.

"So you do know that Jasper's all the way over there right?" Rosalie said from close behind me. "Gotta say it's a little too late for 'bashful', the hard to get routine doesn't really have much swing when you've already done the dirty, or is it that you're a scaredy cat?" I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Hey I'm plenty brave and I'll have you know this is all part of a carefully devised plan to enrapture him." Now it was Rosalie's turn to narrow her eyes. "Ok fine I'm wimping out, I've not met his gaze once, I've been more familiar with the bottom of my glass, well actually the bottom of three glasses but who's counting." I huffed feeling meek, like I was thirteen again at the school dance waiting for Jimmy Peterson to ask me to cut a rug with him, gazing longingly at him while staking myself out at the punch table. Some five years later I would find out that Jimmy was gayer than glitter, and so my ego was consoled that it wasn't my braces that turned him off, it was my extreme lack of penis and I could live with that.

"Look Rose some girl's talking to him, uh that skanky whore, look at her flipping her bad dye job over her shoulder like she's something, and what is she like 12? Bitch needs to back up off my Jasper before I cut her." I seethed.

"I forgot that you go all ghetto when you're drunk and pissy, maybe no more drinks for you? But she does need to get her jailbait hands of _your _Jasper." She looked at me to make sure I caught her inflection, it wasn't lost on me. I had been hoping she hadn't picked up on my little slip of the tongue. I didn't respond so she continued. "At least he's obviously not into her, I mean Christ desperado much? See she's backing off now, crisis averted." We began wandering staring at his work. "His pieces really are something aren't they?" she gazed dreamily at the prints.

"Sure are." I agreed when something caught my eye. I walked the small stretch to one of the largest pieces mounted on the wall, screwing my eyes up to see if my assumption was correct. Rose tailed behind me seeing what had captured my interest. For the second time that night I was stood unmoving before a beautiful picture, Rosalie stood to my right as I just barely pulled my eyes away long enough to gauge her recognition. Staring back at me from the perfectly lit picture was my 18 year old self, wearing a cream vintage cable knit jumper that had belonged to my mother that I aimlessly pulled up to hide my blissfully happy expression. It was days after I'd given him the new camera, he'd been following me around the apartment hoping to capture my face, finally resigning when he cornered me, although like anything with Jasper it wasn't a chore, I simply wanted to appear the picture of humility rather than a camera hog so I'd pulled up the collar over part of my giggling face. I was used to being his main subject, initially shy about the whole affair, I had slowly become desensitized to seeing my face in his early prints.

"It's you." Rose said from my side, I would have responded but I hadn't found my voice yet. She sounded astonished at the small token of love, or perhaps it was an out pouring depending on what way you looked at it, because in this space brimming with split second captures of memories here was one I finally recognized, one that only he and I could share.

"Right here in this room full of the immortalized loves of Jasper Whitlock, here you are still in the pole position after all these years…after all this time…he's still in love with you."

Still staring at the photo and in a voice than sounded shakier than I could even be bothered to blush about, because pretending I was unruffled was pointless, I said. "I know."

Rosalie looked at me curiously, as if she gathered there was more behind my simple utterance. I hung my head, knowing I'd get into trouble for concealing the small but monumental fact from her. "He told me…that night, after we…I tried to tell myself he was on a post sex high but I knew, I knew he meant it." I went silent briefly knowing it wasn't the whole story, deciding to finish I said. "I didn't say it back."

Rose looked at me for a moment before snatching my glass away. I knew this was it, the time where I had to talk to him, if not for the simple fact that I had promised him I would then for the matter that Rose looked like she'd kick my ass if I didn't. I started towards him, turning back briefly with a pleading look. "Go…now" she said sternly, I was going with not arguing with her, it seemed like the safest option. So I discretely ruffled my hair and straightened out my dress, all of which would be pointless once the word vomit escaped my mouth, but hell it's nice to make the effort.

Looking up I saw his full gaze on me as I walked towards him, he stood stationary making no effort to move in my direction. He seemed committed to making me perform the whole agonizing walk by myself. When I reached him I gathered myself before speaking trying to suppress the word vomit. When I finally looked up his eyes did not reveal anything, but I had his full and undivided attention, I was certain of that. It was just us now, no critics, no fawning girls, no safety net friends just us and the inches of empty space between that seemed to stretch for miles.

"I have a confession to make, it was my idea to take some time and figure out where our heads were at, I said I needed time, but that's bullshit, I didn't need anymore time, I knew what my final answer would be the moment I woke up in your bed, there was nothing you could have said or done to change my mind. My answer….was and is…yes, yes I do want to try this, I do want to get to know you all over again, I do want to risk it all, my heart and my sanity and everything it requires of me to really try and not fuck it up this time." His eyes were crinkled in amusement and a smile that was tugging at the corner of his perfect pout threatened to take over at any second. I moved closer, closing the inches, going the distance, finally stopping just in front of his broad chest and looking up at him through my lashes.

"I also have another confession to make, you see I've been holding out on you, holding back and biting my tongue because Jasper…" And his eyes scorched into mine now, still holding his composed pose. "I love you too." And with that I closed the distance putting my hands on his chest, pressing up to reach his height, and pressed my lips to his. All thoughts of his composure abandoned he lifted both hands to cup my jaw, his fingertips nestling in the nape of my neck. His perfect lips moved with mine with an intensity which still never failed to shock me after all this time. His lips tenderly kissed mine, nibbling at both in turn, our breathing shallow and raspy. My lips took charge, peeking my tongue out to flick his lower lip I silently sought entrance, to which he parted his lips. Our tongues tentatively brushed one another, liking the teasing nature in which we both denied each other the chance to deepen kiss. Sucking his bottom lip between my lips he groaned lowly, just loud enough so I could hear and with that I gave him one final, chaste kiss and broke apart only to stay pressed up against his chest. His forehead lent against mine and nudged at mine playfully and I couldn't help but smile.

"Wooo" I heard the chant come fro the other side of the room, suddenly becoming aware of the other people around us that had been an absent thought just seconds earlier. The sound had come from a delighted, and socially inappropriate Bella who had been glugging on champagne flutes with me during points in the evening so I knew her decision to cheer us on was partly, if not mainly alcohol fueled. Rose pulled on Bella, walking towards us, while their fine hunks of man trailed behind; Emmett giggling at Bella's outburst while Edward managed to look both amused and embarrassed.

"Ali I think we're going to head out now, Edward get Bella a taxi and an aspirin for the hangover she'll have tomorrow morning, you're going with her right?" She mused lightheartedly, directing her question at Edward but it was Bella who chirped up.

"Hey I am not that drunk, just sharing the love is all, but playing peeping tom to your kiss has me all hot under the collar so come Edward lets go have sex." He looked mortified, but seemed to be anticipating her offer. She pulled on his hand, marching towards the exit before turning back "Oh and before I forget Jasper this was the shit, seriously loved every single piece, glad I came." She beamed at us before further tugging on Edward in the direction of the door.

"Ok Ali bear we're outty, and I know Bella already said it but Jasper what you put together is really amazing, thanks for the invite." She smiled looking at me, giving me the 'you did good kid' nod before clutching one of Emmett's bear mitts for hands.

"Oh Jazz, we're still on for Friday right?" Emmett asked, giving Jasper an expectant look. "Definitely, I'll see you then." Jasper replied. I smiled in amusement.

"Ah have you boys got a play date, aren't you cute." I said as me and Rose laughed, while the boys looked bashful and defensive. Rose encouraged Emmett to the door as me and Jasper gave a little wave. Then it was just us. Kate had left earlier in the evening because she had an early start, she allowed Garratt to escort her home but that was it. He accepted stating that his intentions were pure anyway.

I stared up at him. "So is the host allowed to leave the party a little early?" I asked. "I think that could be arranged, just let me go get my coat and thank Aro for you know hyping me up to the masses." He offered me a smile before turning on his heel.

We decided to walk the distance back to mine, using the time to play the part of inquisitive journo and get some quotes from him for the article. Finally reaching my building we made out way up to my apartment to find ourselves stood outside my door. I felt heat flush my neck at his proximity. As we walked in he shrugged of his heavy coat and came to stand before me wearing mischievous grin that was common place on his beautiful face.

"Hey Jazz can I say something, a proposal sort of, more of a suggestion really?" He laughed as I fumbled through the sentence and nodded his head.

"Ask away Brandon." He tried to but his arms around me but I was determined to say this without distraction to I pulled him over to sit on he couch.

"Right so I know this whole situation is backwards considering we've already slept together, not to mention that we lived together and you know etc but I was thinking that I don't just want this to be a continuation of before, this is a fresh start and I want to treat it like that so I don't want to rush this too much, plus over exposure to you makes my head fuzzy. So what I'm proposing is that maybe we could hold off on the ripping each others clothes off part of things, at least maybe for a little while. I mean it's not that I don't want to it's just we're ten years older, and we've lead separate lives for so long, I could see that from all the photographs tonight and I think I'd be good if we reeducated ourselves with who we are now."

I was eager to hear his reply. I knew I was asking a lot considering I hadn't demonstrated the same degree of maturity when molesting him to all hell just a week ago.

"Very wise of you, so how long we talking and what are the conditions. I mean are you talking about purely sex, or do you want to abstain altogether? Please don't think I'm not cool with this Ali, I'm fine with it really, it's probably best for both of us, and I don't mind waiting a while cause I know I'll have plenty of time to ruffle your feathers in the future." He smiled kindly, putting me at ease.

"Guess you will and I was thinking I don't know maybe a month? And I was thinking we could try holding off on all of it, if that's ok?" His expression didn't show any frustration.

"A month it is then, I'm just going to have to spend greater proportion of my time jerking off is all." I swatted his arm playfully.

"Fine you big sex maniac rub one out till you give yourself a friction burn just as long as you stick to our agreement." I laughed as he hugged me peppering my neck with kisses.

"God I love it when you talk dirty to me like that baby." I laughed harder as he tickled my sides.

"Ok my turn, I have a proposal too, we agreed no sex but I suggest we still have sleepovers, now don't jump to conclusions its just that I got greedy after the other night and I missed having you there with me when I went to sleep, so if I agree to not ravish you can we do that?" His hopeful smile made him look nineteen again.

"It's a deal Whitlock. Now let's get ready for bed I'm not as young as I used to be you know." I said dragging him into my bathroom. I fished in the cabinet for the spare toothbrush, then passing it to him.

"You can keep here for future sleepovers." He chuckled ripping open the package. He left the room to go get ready for bed as I washed my face when it occurred to me he didn't have any night clothes and I wasn't deluded enough to assume mine would fit him. As I walked down the hall approaching the open bedroom door I saw his shirt and pants carefully draped over chair that sat in front of my vintage vanity desk, my powers of deduction told me this left Jasper minus some very much needed clothing if I was going to make good on my agreement to abstain. Walking into the room my eyes sought him out and there he was casually laying on top of the covers, on the left side of the bed no less, one arm behind his head, his nudity concealed only by a pair of Calvin Klein briefs that he was filling out like a trooper. Every square inch of lightly tanned flesh bar one area was on display for me, every muscle that was ripped to perfection just laid out before me, it became plain to me in that moment that the sight of a fully grown Jasper would take some adjusting to. When my eyes finally ventured up to his face he was grinning having clearly caught me staring which I presume was the intended purpose, but still his cheeky grin had me almost faltering on my word. It was going to be a looong month.

**As always I'd love to hear your thoughts, R & R x**


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